I’ve got to get another alarm clock. Three times this month I’ve got to work early.
TODAY IS MONDAY – JULY 30, 2007 WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS! ONLY 146 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS!
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Today is CUBBYHOLE APPRECIATION DAY. ***JUSTIN: I remember cubbyholes in kindergarten… hated them. Then, in my first radio job, instead of a locker I was given a cubbyhole. Still hated it.
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1991: The U.S. issued a patent (#5,035,072) to Rayma Rich of Las Vegas for the Collapsible Riding Companion, a simulated male human head and torso to ride shotgun with a lone driver. When not riding, the device collapses into a lightweight easy-to-carry travel case. ***JUSTIN: Boy, the desire to abuse the carpool lane rules would be overwhelming, wouldn’t it?
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Today is CONTRAST DAY, a day to appreciate music by playing Vivaldi, Bo Diddley, Jaci Valesquez, and Johnny Cash. ***JUSTIN: Of course, we wouldn’t have any listeners left if we did that… so forget I said anything.
CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS
- actress (Joy on “My Name is Earl,” Jill in Joe Dirt) Jaime Pressly 30
- actress (Iron Man, Million Dollar Baby, Iron Jawed Angels, The Core) Hilary Swank 33
- actress (Phoebe on “Friends,” Ursula the waitress on “Mad About You,” Analyze This, Analyze That) Lisa Kudrow 44
- actor (Morpheus in the Matrix movies, Mission Impossible 3, Event Horizon, voice of the surfer in Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer) Laurence Fishburne 46
- actress (Suzanne on “Designing Women”) Delta Burke 51
- actor (Michael Steadman on “thirtysomething”) Ken Olin 53
- California governor / actor (The Terminator movies, Last Action Hero, Jingle All The Way, Kindergarten Cop) Arnold Schwarzenegger 60
RADIO PAPARAZZI
OK magazine spent the day with Britney Spears in order to write how she had turned her life around. However, as bad as the day went, they’re pretty sure Britney is not going to like how the upcoming article comes out.
Females aren’t the only chatterboxes. Women speak 16,215 words a day but men aren’t far behind, averaging 15,669.
Another gender-statistic - roughly 10% of men and 8% of women are left handed.
The folks at Disney have announced they’re going to do everything they can to remove smoking from any of the movie projects they’re working on.
TV Guide has released a list of the highest-paid TV stars. No surprises there: Oprah is a distant #1 with Simon Cowell in second place. ***JUSTIN: Simon calls the study, “utterly appalling and lacking in merit,” but Oprah has offered to have him on her show to discuss his feelings.
Paris Hilton took home another dog on Wednesday. Another Chihuahua. She already has a Yorkie named Cinderella, and has another Chihuahua named Tinkerbell. Two years ago, she was forced to give up her kinkajou, Baby Luv, because it was considered an exotic species and illegal to own.
“Lost” fans, good news: Harold Perrineau, who played Michael, is coming back next season.
39% of single women have sent a text message and regretted it the next morning according to a recent Samsung survey.
NEWS KICKERS
Imagine playing Pong for money. That’s the idea behind Bally Pong. It’s a cross between an old-school Pong video game and a slot machine. Yesterday, Nevada gambling regulators approved the concept. Bally says their Pong game is a first, because hand-eye coordination can affect the payout of a slot machine. But even if a player stinks at Pong, they still can win. Nevada authorities approved the game on the condition the bonus round offer a jackpot regardless of the Pong score. The game enters the Pong mode after three bonus icons line up on the five-reel video slot machine. Bally says that’s a one-in-70 chance. ***JUSTIN: Which is the same chance as people seeing you as cool when you tell them you’re to the casino to play Pong
Presidential hopeful John Edwards put on the Spandex and went on a bike ride the other day with Lance Armstrong. ***JUSTIN: Armed with a giant-sized, industrial-strength can of hair spray.
Frank Van Buren must have a great credit rating. The New York accountant is caught in a blizzard of plastic. He says he’s received two-thousand ExxonMobil credit cards in recent weeks. He’s had an account with the company for 17 years and ordered two more cards because his old ones were expiring. Instead of two cards, he got two boxes full, with a-thousand credit cards apiece. He says each card has his name and account number. Now, it’s taken him hours to shred all that plastic. A spokeswoman for ExxonMobil says the company is looking into the goof. ***JUSTIN: In the meantime, Frank is saving a ton of money by not buying replacement tiles for his kitchen and bath.
AND NOW ANOTHER USELESS FACT
The dust bowl was a series of dust storms that swept through the Midwest in the 1930’s that destroyed crops and killed livestock. ***JUSTIN: Similar to when you clean under your bed.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, “God, we’ve decided that we no longer need you. We’re to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don’t you just go on and get lost.”
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man and after the scientist was done talking, God said, “Very well, how about this, let’s say we have a man making contest.”
To which the scientist replied, “OK, great!”
But God added, “Now, we’re going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam.”
The scientist said, “Sure, no problem” and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God just looked at him and said, “No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!”
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER
A man researched crime statistics on the Internet before deciding to rob a motel! He wanted to make sure the jail was safe… you know, just in case he was caught.
FILE #1: A man trying to rob a Wells Fargo branch in Los Angeles got so frustrated, he screamed that he was “tired of waiting in line forever” and that he was moving on to rob another bank.
FILE #2: When you do a crime, don’t expect your parents to come bail you out. Shane Lucas pulled off a burglary and got away with some cash but was brought in a few days later on suspicion of burglary charges. Shane called home and asked his father to come bail him out of jail, telling dad he could use the stolen money and even going so far as giving him the location where he had stashed the loot. Bad idea. He’s no longer just a suspect since dad called the cops and told them the entire story.
FILE #3: Now here’s a new one. A man says he robbed a motel in Fargo, North Dakota, because his Internet research said it has the safest jail in America. Alexander Strathas said he researched crime data on the net before deciding to travel from his home in Clearwater Beach, Florida, to commit the crime. He went to the motel and allegedly told staff he had a bomb in his Winnie the Pooh backpack and would blow himself up if they did not hand over money. When police arrested him shortly after the alleged crime, they found a note in his pocket. It read: “I did it, robbery or attempted robbery, whichever offense might result, by using the bomb method to claim a place in the safest jail in the United States.” When he was charged with robbery at Cass County District Court, he said he wanted to go to prison for life because he’s a habitual criminal.
STRANGE LAW: Every person in Maryland who has bowled since 1833 may be fined $2 for each offense.
JUSTIN’S MOMENT OF DUH
Flame, bad. Flammable clothing, bad. Flame and flammable clothing… a Moment of Duh.
If someone were to ask you what would happen if you were wearing pants that were soaked in a highly flammable chemical and somebody held a lighter up to them, you’d likely answer that they would burst into flames. Unfortunately, about the only person who didn’t know the answer to this burning question was an unidentified college student working in a California furniture shop where his job was to finish furniture with a flammable chemical. The unidentified dunce decided to see for himself and held a lighter to his chemically-soaked pants. The result was that his pants caught on fire, as did part of the building. Luckily, the moron suffered only minor burns to his legs and the fire was under control in 30 minutes.
MOVIE CRITIC, MARIE ASNER WITH “THE TICKET”
The family ratings system for The Breakfast Club Bull Sheet are from Zero (no family value) to 5 (excellent) - for films, ratings include actors, director, plot, language, sexual content, violence, etc. Get more from Marie Asner at PhantomTollBooth.org!
OPENED JULY 27
TALK TO ME - Don Cheadle has a meaty role as a talkative ex-con. It is 1964 and racial tension is high around the country. Cheadle manages to get a job on WOL as a talk show host in Washington, D.C. and with his wild ways becomes a hit. He has to contend with the program director (Chiwetel Ejiofor) and station manager (Martin Sheen). The film is based on the real life story of Ralph Waldo “Petey” Greene, Jr. However, what goes up, must come down. Be aware of the language in this film. Cedric the Performer steals his scenes as a Barry White-type guy complete with two wolfhounds. “Talk to Me” is rated R for profanity, nudity and latent effects of alcohol consumption. Family Friendly rating of zero. Read Marie Asner’s full review at www.PhantomTollbooth.org.
RESCUE DAWN - Christian Bale has a harrowing role in this true life story of Dieter Dengler, a Navy pilot who was taken prisoner during the Viet Nam War and escaped. Steve Zahn, in an Oscar nomination role, is another soldier Dieter finds in the camp. Photography is very good, but there are scenes of torture, and eating bugs and worms as the food supply diminishes. It is difficult to keep your sanity under these conditions. Director Werner Herzog had done a documentary on Dengler several years ago called “Little Dieter Must Fly.” Dieter Dengler really did have the nine lives of a cat. “Rescue Dawn” is rated PG 13 for language, violence and torture. Family Friendly rating of zero, but military families may find this film of interest.
I KNOW WHO KILLED ME - Lindsay Lohan takes over an “adult” role (rehab wasn’t?) as a young woman who says she escaped from a serial killer, then says she is someone else. OK, and she may want to be as her character endures horrible conditions, so be prepared. Also in the cast are Neal McDonough and Julia Ormond. “Prairie Home Companion,” it isn’t. Lohan is a good actress, but needs direction in real life. “I Know Who Killed Me” is rated R for violence including torture, unsettling images, language and sexuality. Family Friendly rating of zero.
NO RESERVATIONS - This movie is a remake of the 2002 “Mostly Martha.” Catherine Zeta-Jones has the starring role as a single chef who becomes the guardian to her young niece (Abigail Breslin) when the mother dies in an accident. Catherine is all work and doesn’t know what to do with the girl. Enter Aaron Eckhart as a handsome assistant chef . You can see the ending from your chair, but it’s fun to see what happens along the way. Catherine really had to go to chef’s school for this role. Cooking scenes will make you hungry. You know what they say, “too many chef’s in the kitchen.” “No Reservations” is rated PG for language and some sensuality. Family Friendly rating of 1 for guardians and chefs.
THE SIMPSONS MOVIE - OK, television “Simpson” fans, here is your animated movie. If you have never heard of “The Simpsons,” now is your time to become acquainted. The entire cast is here from Homer to Marge, their kids and the town. Fans usually forsake a plot for the one-liners Homer tosses around. Why does this television series remind me of the old Roadrunner and Wile E. Coyote days? Because Homer schemes, takes a pounding, and gets up again. This series has been on TV for over 17 years. “The Simpsons Movie” is rated PG 13 for questionable humor. Family Friendly rating of zero, but television fans will enjoy it.
SUNSHINE - Here is a science fiction film with a different premise. The sun is dying out and Earth launches a ship with a HUGE nuclear bomb to nudge the sun into action. Trouble is, the first ship was lost in space, so we enter the scenario on the second ship which will be in space 18 months. Cast has Cillian Murphy, Rose Brynes and Chris Evans as part of the crew. What happened to the first ship? The comment on the trailer sums up the film, “If you wake up tomorrow, we were successful.” “Sunshine” is rated R for violence and language. Family Friendly rating of zero.
SKINWALKERS - Not screened for critics. It is a werewolf film set in present time. Two groups of werewolves are battling (again?) and one young man is seen as the one to “help them.” Sounds like a tired premise already. The film stars Matthew Knight, Jason Behr and Elias Koteas. “Skinwalkers” is rated PG 13 for violence, sexual material and language. Family Friendly rating of zero.
WHO’S YOUR CADDY? - Not screened for critics. The premise has a rap star joining a wealthy country club. Does this sound lame and tired? Stars are Jeffrey Jones and Big Boi. “Who’s Your Caddy” is rated PG 13 for crude humor, some nudity, language and drug references. Family Friendly rating of zero.
OPENS AUGUST 3
THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM has Matt Damon reprising his role as the government agent with no memory.
UNDERDOG is about a dog with superpowers. Not animated. Jason Lee is the voice of Underdog, the Hero!
HOT ROD stars Andy Samberg as a guy who doesn’t get along with his step-father, but decides to help when the guy falls ill. Pratfall comedy.
BRATZ is from the television series of bratty girls. “nuff said.
OTHER STUFF
WAITING, WAITING, WAITING
Hey guys… hate waiting around for your woman as she tries on clothes at the mall? You’re not alone.
According to a recent survey of 2000 men, the average man spends nearly a week of his life sitting in the car waiting to pick up his significant other. He also spends 22 weeks of his life waiting outside the dressing room while his partner tries on clothing. Not all at once, mind you… but it sure seems that way sometimes. And 60% of the men surveyed said all of this waiting drives them crazy – so much so that 10% of men have actually broken up with a girlfriend or divorced a wife because of the constant waiting. Ouch. Even worse, 20% of men say they entertain themselves while waiting by checking out other women in the store. ***JUSTIN: This makes no sense, guys. If you’re going to be checking out the other women in the store, what happens if you hit it off, dump your woman, and starting dating the new chick? You met the lady while she was trying on clothes! What makes you think you won’t be waiting for HER now? All you’d be doing is trading in for a newer model… meaning you’re adding that many more years of waiting to your life.
IF ONLY HE COULD PASS ON ONE OF HIS NINE LIVES
If you live at the Steere House Nursing and Rehabilitation Center in Providence, Rhode Island, you do not want a visit from Oscar the cat.
The facility treats people with Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s disease and other illnesses and Oscar has proven to have an uncanny knack for predicting when patients are going to die by curling up next to them during their final hours. His accuracy, observed in 25 cases, has now led the staff to call family members once Oscar has chosen someone. It usually means they have less than four hours to live. Dr. David Dosa said, “He doesn’t make too many mistakes. He seems to understand when patients are about to die.” The 2-year-old feline was adopted as a kitten and after about six months the staff noticed Oscar would make his own rounds, just like the doctors and nurses. He’d sniff and observe patients, then sit beside people who would wind up dying in a few hours. (New England Journal of Medicine)
ACTUAL QUESTIONS ASKED BY PASSENGERS ON A CRUISE SHIP
- Do these stairs go up or down?
- What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt?
- Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?
- Does the crew sleep on the ship?
- Is this island completely surrounded by water?
- Does the ship make its own electricity?
- Is it salt water in the toilets?
- What elevation are we at?
- There’s a photographer on board who takes photos and displays them the next day, this question is asked: If the pictures aren’t marked, how will I know which ones are mine?
- What time is the Midnight Buffet being served?
MISS ME?
Ian Johnstone missed his girlfriend so much he flew back to Britain from Australia to propose to her. But it didn’t work out quite the way he expected!
It sounds like something out of a cheesy commercial for an airline, but this time it really happened. A boyfriend decided to surprise his girlfriend by flying to another country to see her. Only problem was that his girlfriend had the exact same idea at the exact same time! Ian Johnstone flew from Australia to Britain… but Amy Dolby flew from Britain to Australia. Oops! Stranger still, Ian and Amy even managed to miss each other when they sat in the same airport lounge in Singapore at the same time to wait for connecting flights. Once they both figured out what happened, Ian called Amy (which happened to be at his apartment crying her eyes out), and asked her to marry him. According to her, she didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, but she accepted. In the meantime, Amy was given a tour of Sydney by Ian’s friends before going home. Ian, however, had to stay in Britain for two weeks because he could not change his ticket. ***JUSTIN: If these two are getting married, the first thing they need to work on is communication.
NICE SERMON, PASTOR
What would you do if your pastor on Sunday morning told you to prepare for your last moments? One pastor was VERY effective in his presentation!
A preacher told his congregation to “prepare for God’s call”. And then, only seconds later, he had a heart attack and died right there in the pulpit. Eric Frankland, 65, was in the middle of his sermon about how God could call you home at any moment when, suddenly, he died at Churchtown Methodist Church. The pastor’s daughter Deborah said: “It’s how he would have wanted to go.” The church in Castletown, Sunderland, is stunned and says that “This is a sad loss.” ***JUSTIN: Probably the most effective sermon in church history.
TRULY FRIGHTFUL
What frightens you the most in this world? According to kids, it could be (gasp!), PARENTS!
According to kids, parents are even scarier than dinosaurs and aliens. A survey has found, however, that the one-eyed monster Cyclops is even scarier than parents. The survey of children aged 4 to 10 found that dragons, Dracula and Frankenstein, also terrified them. ***JUSTIN: Apparently, these kids haven’t seen me first thing in the morning! I have to look in the mirror as I get ready or I might turn to stone.
FOUL WEAPON
The military is creating a new weapon that… well… really smells!
Military researchers will soon try to combine the two most disgusting smells ever engineered, in an attempt to develop the ultimate nonlethal weapon, a magnificent stink bomb. According to a report in New Scientist, the winning stenches (excrement and rotting foods/carcasses, with each technologically “improved” to even fouler levels) would be mixed together. The result would be so overpowering that not only would it disperse people in a panic, but would also act on brain tissue in the same fear-provoking way that other unrecognizable stimuli do. ***JUSTIN: I think the biggest reason the stink-bomb weapon would be so effective is that it’s impossible to fight or run while at the same time puking.
SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE
Why do we say that an annoying person who won’t let up is nagging?
If you’re trying to figure out if there’s some connection between horses and being annoyed, or if you think you’re being set up for a pun involving some nag, fuhgedaboutit. I wouldn’t saddle you with such a thing. The only way a horse gets into this is if he or she has sharp teeth. Nag comes from a Scandinavian or Low German word, nagga or gnaggen, to gnaw or chew. You may pick up the connection if you think of a nag as someone characterized by oral aggression, someone who has his or her teeth sunk into you and won’t let go. Nag, nag, and nag. Or think of it this way. You answer, “He/she is nagging me” to the question, “What’s eating you?” (Edited from Tricky Trivia)
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
These days everybody is burning their own CDs. That’s not a new idea. When I was 16, my Dad burned my entire record collection.
WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet, in email (including stuff you receive from Justin Kaiser) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Justin Kaiser or WGFA, regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there - nyah!
Darren Marlar credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions.
