And now it’s the new and improved tartar-controlled WGFA Breakfast Club!

TODAY IS TUESDAY – JUNE 26, 2007… WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS! ONLY 181 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS!

• Today is NATIONAL COLUMNIST’S DAY.
• Today is BAR CODE DAY. The first supermarket bar code was swiped on a pack of Wrigley’s Doublemint Gum on June 26, 1974, in Troy, Ohio.

CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS

• actor (Batman & Robin, “The Practice”, “Grey’s Anatomy”) Chris O’Donnell
• actor Sean Hayes (“Will and Grace”) 37

RADIO PAPARAZZI…

Britney Spears is said to be considering asking for a restraining order against her mother.

The length of a woman’s ring finger in relation to her index finger reveals her ability at sports. If the ring finger is longer than the index finger, she’s the one you’ll want to pick for your sports team. That’s the word from a study at St. Thomas’s Hospital and King’s College London.

Prince William turned 25 Thursday and gained part of the inheritance left him by his mother, Princess Diana. William, who is second in line to the throne, gains access to the interest and other income accrued on the $13 million he was left by his mother.

A restaurant in Virginia is selling beer-sicles. Frozen beer on a stick, with some flavored varieties like, oh, “Rasp-beery.” But legal troubles may cause them to stop selling the icy treats, because the law in Virginia says alcohol must be sold either in the bottle, or immediately after opening.

The next batch of stars being dedicated on Hollywood’s “Walk of Fame” will go to Ricky Martin, George Harrison and Cate Blanchett.

An internal Department of Justice memo reports that a citizen of Mexico can illegally cross into Texas, be arrested and be returned to Mexico six times before being prosecuted.

Danny DeVito has opened up his own restaurant in Miami’s South Beach area. The signature dish: a $325 trio of steaks from Japan, Australia and the U.S., designed to feed three people.

A computer hacker claims he was able to get into a publisher’s computers and has downloaded the new Harry Potter book. ***JUSTIN: Want to know what happens? You’ll find it at InSecure.org.

Woody Allen is going to direct an opera in Los Angeles next year.

GM has decided that confining Tiger Woods to just Buick is a waste… so they’re going to have him be the new pitchman for their “On-Star” service

Bob Evans, the founder of Bob Evans Restaurants, is dead at 89.

Paris Hilton will appear on “Larry King” tomorrow (Wednesday). During the interview it is expected that Paris will say she now wants to do good works, like starting a transitional home for women just released from jail.

Rosie O’Donnell says she’s no longer interested in hosting “The Price Is Right” because it’s not worth moving to L.A. just to achieve a childhood fantasy.

Angelina Jolie says that she and Brad Pitt have never said, “I love you,” to each other.

The mother of 50 Cent’s son is seeking more money from the rapper, claiming that $25,000 a month is not sufficient for his needs.

NEWS KICKERS…

Britney Spears is said to be considering asking for a restraining order against her mother. ***JUSTIN: That’s weird – because most mothers are considering restraining their daughters from being like Britney Spears.

Angelina Jolie says that she and Brad Pitt have never said, “I love you,” to each other. ***JUSTIN: “Sure, let’s have babies together, live in the same house, adopt a whole bunch of kids… but the L-word? Gee, I just don’t think I’m ready for that kind of commitment.”

Prince William turned 25 Thursday and gained part of the inheritance left him by his mother, Princess Diana. William, who is second in line to the throne, gains access to the interest and other income accrued on the $13 million he was left by his mother. ***JUSTIN: And gee, what a coincidence… Prince William and Kate Middleton are reportedly back together now.

Paris Hilton will appear on “Larry King” tomorrow (Wednesday). During the interview it is expected that Paris will say she now wants to do good works, like starting a transitional home for women just released from jail. ***JUSTIN: It will prepare them to make the difficult transition from prison to the Larry King Show.

Danny DeVito has opened up his own restaurant in Miami’s South Beach area. The signature dish: a $325 trio of steaks from Japan, Australia and the U.S., designed to feed three people. ***JUSTIN: Or to feed Danny DeVito.

Wal-Mart announced they’re opening health clinics in some stores. ***JUSTIN: How bad must your financial situation be that you ask the ambulance driver to take you to the emergency room at Wal-Mart? But on the upside, you’d only be charged Wal-Mart prices for the band-aids and aspirin!

New Hampshire, whose state slogan is “Live Free or Die,” just banned smoking in all bars and restaurants. ***JUSTIN: Their new slogan is, “Live free unless there’s a teeny, tiny chance of dying, then forget about it.”

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY…

A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months. He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency. Among other questions he was asked, “What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?”

He thought for a moment and then said, “I would pass an offering plate.”

He got the job.

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER…

Why would anyone WANT a plaster cast?

Ernest G. Johnson was recently arrested in Shreveport, Louisiana, for what we can only describe as an out of control plaster cast fetish. Posing as an insurance company employee, he was caught roaming the corridors at LSU Hospital, sneaking photographs of women wearing casts. One police detective said, “It’s like all he wants is to be in the presence of a woman with a cast on and have her attention.” ***JUSTIN: If he keeps it up he may end up wearing a cast of his own!

It was a dream come true for 2 little old ladies who took a trip to Memphis, Tennessee to honor Elvis. After taking the Graceland tour, they went to get a bite to eat. They stopped at a local shopping area and were quickly approached by a man who demanded their purses. Not missing a beat - they beat him senseless with their purses causing the guy to fall down and break his ankle. Since he could not run off, he instead used his cell phone to call 911 for help. The police came and arrested him as he was curled up in the corner while the old ladies held him down by sitting on him.

Thieves in the UK broke into the car of a shoe salesman and took off with 80 of today’s most fashionable shoes. The key there is that they took off with 80 shoes — not 40 pairs. The salesman was carrying around single samples of new shoe designs — not a pair among them. The bungling burglars got away with 80 right-footed shoes. Police officer Stuart Elford said, “They must have been hopping mad when they found out.”

STRANGE LAW: Bowling is forbidden in Evanston, IL.

JUSTIN’S MOMENT OF DUH…

There are two options in life… dying, or living with lawyers.

Today’s Moment of Duh shows us that committing suicide isn’t always as easy as it sounds. A Hong Kong woman jumped from the roof of a building in an attempt to kill herself. She failed though, and landed on a car. Now that car’s owner is suing the lady for $25,700 - the damages to the car. As if that’s not strange enough, the lady is now saying she won’t pay for the damages because the guy was illegally parked, and if he had not been parked there she would be dead now.

JUSTIN’S EMAIL BAG…

Had some weirdness taking place on my radio show this morning. In Chicagoland and the surrounding areas the nation’s Emergency Alert System went off… three times within a half hour. Unlike the normal TEST we might receive, this was actually a WARNING of something bad, but with no details. Just an EAS alert from Washington D.C. Turns out it was just a glitch in the system as people were installing new emergency notification equipment. But boy did it scare the pants off of a lot people… including you! Below is what you had to say this morning as we dealt with the situation on the air. –Justin

SUBJECT LINE: Opinion on emergency message

TV is flashing on the screen that it is just a test. ‘Sorry for the inconvenience’. I think that someone hacked into the system and is creating these messages. The language is so vague ‘United States’. How can the whole United States be in danger at the same time? It sounds foreign to me because, they don’t know how big the US is or any of the states or cities, so they say United States. It is either a someone outside the US or a child. Just my theory. I hope they find the problem. –Marlene

SUBJECT LINE: EAS Glitch

I was listening to you this morning until a few minutes after 8, and I heard the blank EAS go off and the resulting conversation. What if it’s someone (or a group) hacking into the system? I hate to sound like a conspiracy theorist, but just with the news stories we’ve been hearing off and on, it seems to me like something’s up with the terrorist groups, between the strange things people have been doing, and the messages we’ve gotten from al-qaeda stating their intent to attack us again, it’s got me wondering if maybe they’re trying to desensitize us to yet something else. I realize I’m probably way off base here, but I could use an encouraging word. Your thoughts? –Erin

SUBJECT LINE: EAS

Just wanted to make a comment on this mornings EAS I was listening to you this morning and I heard that on the local stations there was the EAS for the “UNITED STATES” well about 7:56 on NOGGIN there was an EAS for the “DOMINICAN REPUBLIC” until 9:11 am… 9:11 is that a coincidence? –Liz (JUSTIN: Okay, reading this email did creep me out a bit)

SUBJECT LINE: What’s going on with TV/Radio?

Hey Justin. I don’t know if anyone has mentioned that this went on yesterday(Mon.) morning on T.V. Had grandkids so T.V. was on all day…Late morning yesterday on Cartoon /Nick and selected other cable channels the same thing happened. It went on about intermittently for probably 20-30 minutes. Some cable channels were fine, others black with only the print, then programing would be back on again for several minutes and they it would happen again. Finally cable went out all together for a period of time. Since I only have T.V. on during day with kids are here I didn’t know if this was ‘normal’ or not….After it happening this morning WGFA, and seeing printing on TV….Well.. H-M-M-M!!!!!!!!!! –Margo

OTHER STUFF…

VIDEOS: Some fun video blogs for Stay At Home Moms = http://www.mommasaid.net/tvroom.aspx

MOST EXPENSIVE HAIRSTYLISTS…

Orlo Salon, New York — Stylist: Orlando Pita (Cost: $800) Orlando Pita has styled the hair of trend-setters such as Madonna, Gwyneth Paltrow and Anne Hathaway. Though he spends a lot of time working on hairdos at fashion shoots and shows for designers such as Oscar de la Renta and Vera Wang, if you’re lucky enough to get into his appointment book (and willing to dish out the cash), you can get your hair done at his small, private salon, Orlo.

Frederic Fekkai Salon, New York, Beverly Hills, Calif., Palm Beach, Fla. — Stylist: Frederic Fekkai (Cost: $600) Celebrities such as Liv Tyler and Kim Basinger know they can rely on Frederic Fekkai to take care of their coifs. His name has become a brand for beautiful hair. “My customers expect more than a haircut when they see me,” says Fekkai. “They leave with a unique, flattering, personalized look that is easy for them to maintain outside of my salon.”

Sally Hershberger Salon, New York and Los Angeles — Stylist: Sally Hershberger (Cost: $600) “We’ve branded ourselves with that shaggy, edgy look,” says Sally Hershberger of her signature haircut that can be seen on celebrity clients such as Meg Ryan and Sandra Bullock. To get in her chopping chair, simply sign up for the waiting list, but note that her regulars always come first, especially because more than half of them fly in to see her.

John Frieda Salon, New York — Stylist: Serge Normant (Cost: $500) Though he may be less well-known to the public, Serge Normant is a big name in the beauty and fashion industry. He is booked regularly by fashion magazines such as Harper’s Bazaar, W and Allure to style covers along with fashion and beauty stories. He has also worked with advertising clients to create that camera-ready look. His clientèle includes a long list of celebrities such as Sarah Jessica Parker, Kate Hudson and Julia Roberts.

Cristophe Salon, Los Angeles and Washington, D.C. — Stylist: Cristophe (Cost: $450) For Christophe, looking good starts with having perfect tresses, “I would rather look at a woman in a t-shirt, jeans and a great haircut, then someone who has a Chanel ensemble with matching shoes and terrible hair.” His celebrity clients include Cameron Diaz, Nicole Kidman and Brad Pitt. Fortunately, one Thursday a month he holds “Beauty Mix” at his salon, in which all treatments, including haircuts, are 50% off.

Jose Eber, Beverly Hills, Calif. — Stylist: Jose Eber (Cost: $500) Known for Farrah Fawcett’s legendary feather style, beauty icon Jose Eber has a celebrity following. After more than four decades of styling hair, he has inspired looks that are “sexy, carefree and unstructured.”

John Barrett Salon, New York — Stylist: John Barret (Cost: $450) Located in the department store Bergdorf Goodman, the John Barrett salon is where celebrities, ladies-who-lunch and fashion editors go to treat themselves to a day of pampering—and yes, a haircut with John Barrett himself. Where else can you stroll past the latest prêt-a-porter and come out looking like a million bucks?

Paul Podlucky, New York — Stylist: Paul Podlucky (Cost: $350) This Upper East Side stylist is well-known amongst the city’s socialites, and is booked for nearly every important event. Not only can he do your hair, but he’ll help with makeup and even make outfit suggestions. That is why his clientele all want in. They’ll even get their hair done in his home. After all, it serves as his salon.

Prive, New York, L.A., Orlando — Stylist: Laurent Dufourg (Cost: $350) Known for tending the tresses of celebrities such as Uma Thurman and Denise Richards, Laurent Dufourg brings with him a European sense of style. He spends his time flying back and forth between his bi-coastal salons to meet the demands of his clients. If it’s hard to get in his appointment book, that’s because he also serves as an image consultant to television, film and political personalities.

Warren Tricomi, New York, L.A. — Stylist: Edward Tricomi (Cost: $300) Edward Tricomi had his career jump started by then-Vogue editor Polly Mellon. His hairstyles don’t just span magazine covers; they can also be seen at fashion shows for designers such as Rosa Cha. You can catch Tricomi, along with his partner Joel Warren, as the cameras follow their hairstyling extravaganzas in Bravo’s new reality series, Salon Diaries.

EXCUSES TO EXPLAIN WHY YOU’RE NOT COMING TO WORK TODAY…

I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can’t leave the bathroom, but I feel good about it.
I can’t come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won’t bite things when I am startled.
The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to hitchhike to the vet.

WAYS TO BE ANNOYING IN THE COMPUTER LAB

• Log on to your computer, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream “Oh No, they’ve found me!” and run out.
• Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn’t work.
• When your computer is turned off, complain to the person on duty that you can’t get it to work.
• Mentally assign a musical note to every key. Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly.
• Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
• Ask a supervisor who “General Failure” is and why is he causing you so many problems?
• Bring a chainsaw, but don’t use it.
• Take the keyboard and sit under the computer.

SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE…

Question: Just how dead is the Dead Sea?

The Answer: It’s pretty obvious that a real estate developer did not name this body of water between Jordan and Israel. Imagine trying to sell beachfront property with that moniker! The Dead Sea is so called because of the high salt content of its waters. That spells instant death for fish that happen to wander in, as they occasionally do from the Jordan River. In fact it kills most animal and plant life–with the exception of tourists, who love the property of the salt water that makes it so easy to float on. Bacteria survive in the Dead Sea, though, as do brine shrimp and a class of plants called halophytes that love salt water. So it’s not entirely dead, although not exactly a wild and crazy place, either.

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT…

“In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.” –Fran Lebowitz

WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet, in email (including stuff you receive from Justin Kaiser) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Justin Kiaser or WGFA, regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there… nyah!

Justin Kaiser credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions.

HERE’s SOME OF ILLIANA’s TOP NEWS STORIES FOR TUESDAY, JUNE 26th on WGFA > FAIRBURY MOURNS ANOTHER TEEN DEATH….. ST. ANNE WOMAN HIT BY CAR, DIES…… DANVILLE FATHER MAY FACE CHARGES FOR CRASH THAT KILLED TWO KIDS…… “CHICKEN GAME” KILLS MAN IN INDIANA……INTERNET DAY OF SILENCE…….

SOME MORNING FOG AGAIN, HIGH NEAR 88 WITH A 40 PERCENT CHANCE OF AFTERNOON SHOWERS AND T-STORMS.

• An Internet Day of Silence is being recognized by WGFARadio.com. A Streaming Day of Silence–today, June 26th–urges listners to contact their congressional voices to sound off about the issue of streaming and royalty rates. The future of Internet Radio is in immediate danger. Royalty rates for webcasters have been drastically increased by a ruling and are due to go into effect July 15th. Listeners are asked to excuse the interruption of normal programming on WGFARadio.com. Help make this a temporary matter and not permanent. WGFA encourages listeners who find the stream at WGFARADIO.com valuable to call or write your representative today.
• Social workers, counselors and a minister are available at Prarie Central High School in Fairbury today to help any student feeling the need to talk about the death of a student. Fiften-year-old Brandon Tjarks was killed Friday night in rural Strawn. Police report the victim jumped in front of a car driven by a 16-year-old Fairbury girl. Witnesses are still being interviewed to determine how and why the accident happened. It was in February when the community mourned the death of another teen–16-yr-old travis Steidinger of Fairbury died after attending a party.
• The body of a St. Anne woman was found in rural Pembroke Township early Sunday. Kankakee County sheriff’s police report 52-yr-old Gwendolyn Daniels is believed to have been hit by a passing car along a rural route. A motorist led authorities to the area where she said she thought she hit something. The accident happened just before 2 am.
• Vermilion County prosecutors are yet to decide whether to charge a Danville father for the deaths of his two children Friday night. 31-yr-old Keith Heer was speeding when his car hit a guard rail and bridge. His two-year-old daughter and one-year-old son died from injuries. Heer himself was treated for minor injuries.
• Police in Valparaiso, Indiana say a game of “chicken” led to a death. 23-yr-old Patrick Stiff and a friend were seeing how long they could remain on the track without getting hit. But Stiff lost the game and his life. It happened just past midnight Saturday.
• More Area News at WGFARADIO.COM ON NEWS LINKS.

94.1 fm, WGFA —- since 1961

Rated “Passable” by the National Association of Improved Digestion.

TODAY IS MONDAY – JUNE 25, 2007… WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS! ONLY 182 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS!

Today is PLEASE TAKE MY CHILDREN TO WORK DAY. ***JUSTIN: While “Take Your Daughter or Son to Work Day” has the parent taking the kid to the office, “Please Take My Children to Work Day” is more for parents, asking someone… anyone… to take their kids to the office for the day so the parent can have a few hours of peace and quiet.

Today is SENSE OF HUMOR IN BED APPRECIATION DAY. ***JUSTIN: But seeing as I do only family-friendly comedy, it’s probably best that we skip this one.

Today is NEWFOUNDLAND DISCOVERY DAY, marking John Cabot’s arrival on June 24, 1497. ***JUSTIN: I can understand it being called Newfoundland when it was newly found in 1497… but that was more than 600 years ago Shouldn’t we just be calling it “Land” now?

Today is LITTLE BIGHORN DAY. The Sioux army, led by Chiefs Crazy Horse and Sitting Bull, wiped out Lt. Col. George Custer’s U.S. forces on this date in 1876 at the Little Bighorn River in Montana. ***JUSTIN: Sitting Bull had the edge, as the U.S. forces were distracted trying to figure out how a horn could be both little and big at the same time.

CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS

• actress (Nurse Samantha Taggart on “E.R.”, Velma in the Scooby Doo movies) Linda Cardellini 32
• TV’s (Miss America 1971, Linda Banks in Meet the Parents) Phyllis George 58
• comic (“Good Times”) Jimmy Walker 60

RADIO PAPARAZZI…

Lindsay Lohan called from rehab to cancel her Las Vegas 21st birthday party. Sounds like it’s working.

While Rosie O’Donnell says she wants the job, Ian Ziering auditioned the other day to take over for Bob Barker on “The Price is Right.” Word is, the producers aren’t too hot about Rosie. And the story that Bob Barker recommnended Rosie? Apparently he’s denying it… vehemently.

Paris Hilton is scheduled to be released from prison today, after serving 23 days of her 45-day sentence. In a related story, the city prosecutor who condemned Paris Hilton’s early release from jail as “celebrity favoritism” is under fire for special treatment of his wife, who was wanted for arrest for nine years for driving without insurance on a suspended license in an unregistered car.

Nissan says they’re close to selling a new car in India that would go for $3,000.

Julia Roberts welcomed her third child last Monday — 8-1/2 pounds worth of baby boy, named Henry Daniel Moder.

Angelina Jolie says her recent weight loss was a result of her mother’s death in January. She also insists she doesn’t have an eating disorder.

Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign on Tuesday unveiled a web video that spoofs the final scene of “The Sopranos.”

Tony Danza will play Max Bialystock in the Las Vegas version of Mel Brooks’ hit Broadway show “The Producers.”

The Minisode Network debuted last week on MySpace. Classic shows, like the Partridge Family, Charlie’s Angels and TJ Hooker, edited down to just three minutes long.

Jon Stewart’s Comedy Central contract is up next year… and NBC is said to be very interested.

Tom Cruise’s next movie is going to be about “the true-life attempts to assassinate Adolf Hitler.”

The “Dallas” movie continues to have problems… first, there was a cast make-over… then a script re-write… and now a new director.

A study by PopScores research found that Michael Jackson is the most beloved music star in the world, with 82% of his fans saying they would buy anything he puts out. ***JUSTIN: Including the story that he’s normal.

After Britney Spears threatened to sue, a Florida radio station took down a billboard that used a photo of her in a shaven-headed rage to promote their crazy morning show. But that doesn’t mean she’s not crazy - Britney has been spotted having a few drinks at an L.A. club — something usually not recommended for former rehab patients.

Jimmy Kimmel, host of ABC’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live,” was in good condition after having an emergency appendectomy on Wednesday night in Los Angeles.

Director Wes Craven has sued his neighbor Pauly Shore, alleging that water from the comedian’s home seeped down a slope and damaged the director’s property.

Of the 10.3 million messages posted by teens last year that were analyzed in a study by the Caron Treatment Centers, 160,000 were focused on drugs and alcohol — specifically how to use drugs safely and not get caught.

Roseanne Barr’s radio program has been canceled after only three months.

NASCAR champ Jeff Gordon and his wife, Ingrid, have become parents. Ella Sofia Gordon arrived Wednesday, all 7-pounds of her.

NEWS KICKERS…

While Paris Hilton is scheduled to be released from prison today, someone else is in trouble. The city prosecutor who condemned Paris Hilton’s early release from jail as “celebrity favoritism” is under fire for special treatment of his wife, who was wanted for arrest for nine years for driving without insurance on a suspended license in an unregistered car. ***JUSTIN: Yeah, but she’s not a celebrity, so that doesn’t count.

Director Wes Craven has sued his neighbor Pauly Shore, alleging that water from the comedian’s home seeped down a slope and damaged the director’s property. ***JUSTIN: Wes Craven isn’t scared of vampires, werewolves, or even the walking dead; but just like the rest of us, he’s scared senseless when it comes to a leaky basement.

Roseanne Barr’s radio program has been canceled after only three months. ***JUSTIN: Some say it had something to do with her beginning each show by singing the Star Spangled Banner.

A ton of pot has gone up in smoke. Now, federal authorities are trying to figure out who stored two-thousand pounds of marijuana in a south Texas warehouse. It took more than 35 firefighters about a-half hour to put out the blaze. But now those firefighters have a bit of a problem. Edinburg Fire Chief Shawn Snider says his fire crews were exposed to so much marijuana smoke — they wouldn’t be able to pass a drug test. ***JUSTIN: And they’ve also blown the fire department’s entire grocery budget for the year due to a severe case of the munchies.

Pot it’s not. Some plant-nappers are going to be disappointed if they try smoking the stuff they stole from Piri Currie’s garden. The Ontario woman says she was growing spider plants in front of her house. She says the pointy-leafed plants look a lot like marijuana in the early stages of growth. Ten plants were taken and Currie says there’s a dirt trail from her yard, across the sidewalk and onto the street. She figures the plant thieves pulled up her spider plants and drove away. She adds if anyone tries to smoke them, they’re “stupid.” ***JUSTIN: But then, isn’t everyone who smokes pot?

A gallery at a Maryland college is selling paintings created by service-dogs-in-training. The art sale is intended to help fund the Shore Service Dogs program, with dogs trained to help the disabled. A spokesperson says one of the paintings has already sold for 350 dollars. ***JUSTIN: Which is over $2400 in dog money!

Continental Airlines Flight 71 took off June 13th with 168 customers on board from Amsterdam bound for Newark, New Jersey, but the flight only got as far as Shannon, Ireland, because the lavatory began to overflow. Repairs took place, but when the flight resumed the next day the problem developed again. An airline spokesman says it was later determined that the blockage was caused by someone flushing latex gloves down the toilet, and there are signs above the toilet that warn against flushing foreign objects. ***JUSTIN: Isn’t EVERYTHING you flush a foreign object when you’re on a trans-continental flight?

Like most British artists, David Hensel thought that the opportunity to exhibit at the Royal Academy’s prestigious summer exhibition would send his career soaring. Instead, the sculptor was bewildered to find that his “laughing human head” has been left out of the exhibit. All that is on display is its pedestal. Officials said Hensel had submitted the head and the pedestal separately — and they had preferred the pedestal. A Royal Academy statement read, “The base was thought to have merit and (was) accepted; it is currently on display. The head has been safely stored ready to be collected by the artist.” ***JUSTIN: How can modern art actually be modern art if the modern art museum can’t even recognize your modern art as modern art?

AND NOW ANOTHER USELESS FACT…

A 440-pound man in Gifhorn, Germany, was so bulky, he suffered only minor injuries when a Volkswagen rolled over him in traffic. ***JUSTIN: The Volkswagen, however, was totaled.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY…

An elderly gentleman was bragging to his friend about his attractiveness to younger women. “It was during spring break - a beautiful co-ed introduced herself to me. She’s an archeology major, only 22, and she says she wants to date me!” he said excitedly.

“Now why would a woman like that want to date you?” his friend replied.

“I don’t know, and I don’t care” the gentleman grumbled. “There’s just one thing I don’t understand.”

“What’s that?” his friend inquired quizzically.

“She mentioned something about Carbon 14.”

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER…

South African police are looking for a burglar that recently broke into someone’s home, just to take a bath! A South African couple returned home one night — heard their bathroom water running — and discovered an intruder in their Durban home. And amazingly enough, the intruder got away after grabbing his pants and fleeing from the house. However, the Naickers were able to photograph him with the camera that they had with them. They then found 3 bags of their valuables, including jewelry bath side, and then passed the photo on to authorities. ***JUSTIN: It was the case of the “dirty” criminal making a “clean” getaway!

Police in England didn’t have to rely on a sketch artist to track down a criminal, that’s because the man left them with pictures. The thief went into one of those photo booths, took some pictures and then proceeded to break into the machine and steal about $150. And while he took the cash, he forgot to take the pictures. The police found the pictures quite revealing. ***JUSTIN: They’ll make really nice mug shots.

There’s really no talking your way out of a drunken-driving arrest, and a 49-year-old Greenfield, Wisconsin man sure wasn’t helping himself when he was pulled over in Waterford recently. The man drove almost hit a squad car. When pulled over by Waterford police and asked what he had to drink, he reportedly said, “What didn’t I have?” Next he went on a curse-filled tirade regarding Greenfield police officers. He was reminded that he was in Waterford, but the man responded by saying, “Franklin cops aren’t any better.” Police again told the drunk driver he was in Waterford, but then he made reference to “Oak Creek cops” not being any better. If you can’t even understand where you are, and refuse to take a police officer’s word that you’re in a particular place, you’re likely too intoxicated to drive. His blood-alcohol level registered a 0.18 on a breath test.

STRANGE LAW: The fine for publicly waving a gun in Columbus, MS is higher than actually shooting it.

BREAKFAST CLUB’S EMAIL BAG…

SUBJECT LINE: our vacation

Hey, Justin and Kristin…

We just got back from a very nice vacation. It’s good to be back home, tho…and you know what? One of my favorite things on vacation was being able to listen to WGFA online!! Yahoo!! Like taking home with you across the country!! Thanks!

Sue

MOVIE CRITIC, MARIE ASNER WITH “THE TICKET”…

The family ratings system for The Breakfast Club Bull Sheet are from Zero (no family value) to 5 (excellent) - for films, ratings include actors, director, plot, language, sexual content, violence, etc. Get more from Marie Asner at PhantomTollBooth.org!

OPENED JUNE 22…

EVAN ALMIGHTY - Steve Carell takes over from Jim Carrey in this tale of a man God (Morgan Freeman) has picked to be a modern-age Noah and build an ark. Carrell is a new congressman and trying to keep in the good graces of politician John Goodman. God pops up everywhere and soon Steve decides to go with the flow (pardon the pun) and build an ark. His family reluctantly complies. All this is done in a sub-division close to Washington, D.C. My complaint is that there are too many animal excrement “jokes” in the film. The movie seems padded, as though when the writers couldn’t think of anything else, they brought in an animal. Humorous scenes including building the ark with old-fashioned tools and Evan’s rapidly growing hair. Wanda Sykes as Evan’s secretary gets all the good lines. Special effects are OK. “Evan Almighty” is rated PG for crude humor. Family Friendly rating of 2 for fans of Morgan Freeman and/or Steve Carell.

A MIGHTY HEART - Journalist Daniel Pearl was murdered in Pakistan several years ago. It is dangerous being a reporter on foreign soil during terrorist times. Pearl’s widow, Marianne, wrote a book, “A Mighty Heart” about her life with Daniel and this film is based on the book. Angelina Jolie stars as Marianne, who is five months pregnant when Daniel was kidnapped. He went to meet someone and never returned. As the film progresses, almost in documentary-style, we sit through meetings on what to do and see the intrigue and diplomacy involved outside the U.S. Jolie is quite good as Marianne. Pearl’s death is not shown in this film. You get a sense of life in Pakistan with crowded streets, open air markets and poverty. “A Mighty Heart” is rated R for violence and language. Family Friendly rating of zero, but journalists and Angelina Jolie fans may be interested. Read Marie Asner’s full review at www.PhantomTollbooth.org.

1408 - No, this isn’t a historical film, the number “1408” is a haunted hotel room. There is probably more than one around the country. It’s adapted from a Stephen King story. John Cusack stars as a man who decides to spend the night in this room to debunk the haunting. Well, you know what happens next. Cusack had a family member who died and he is interested in supernatural happenings. Shades of “The Shining.” Samuel L. Jackson is also in the cast. “1408” is rated PG 13 for violence and scary scenes. Family Friendly rating of zero.

OPENS JUNE 29…

RATATOUILLE is an animated film about a gray rat who thinks he is a chef. I can’t get my mind around the idea of any rat in the kitchen.

LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD brings Bruce Willis back as John McClane who can take on any terrorist, but this time he has to help his daughter.

OTHER STUFF…

HOT FOOT

Having a hot foot doesn’t necessarily have to be just an expression. The City accountancy firm Deloitte & Touche organized a motivational training day for its workers recently. Part of the motivational training was a fire walk - which is supposed to help you trust other people and overcome anxieties. And you accomplish this by walking on hot coals. Barefoot. At Deloitte & Touche, a woman was walking the walk as she was being cheered by her colleagues. She complained of pain to her feet. “Ah, shake it off,” her cheering co-workers scoffed. “It’s all in your head.” And then blisters quickly appeared on the soles of her feet, but the organizers told her they were “fire kisses” and she’d walk normally the next day. But, she (and her feet) eventually had to be taken to the hospital. That same day. And she was off work for 14 days. Magistrates’ Court heard the injured woman and colleagues were told fire walking would be “no more dangerous than walking barefoot on hot sand”. However, it is believed pedicure fluid on her feet from several days earlier reacted with the heat. And the flames reacted with her skin.

HE’S SUCH A HARD WORKER

Ladies, want to find a good husband or boyfriend? Pick a workaholic. Experts say hard-working men make the best loving partners. They say the ability to make a commitment to a job is definitely connected with the ability to be committed to a relationship. It’s a myth that workaholic men are cold, unfeeling, too concerned with making money and make insensitive marriage partners. A Harvard study of 500 men revealed that hardworking guys had the best mental health, had achieved the highest levels of maturity and they were shown to be extremely competent in personal relationships as well. ***JUSTIN: I took the opposite approach and found a good workaholic woman. That way she is loving, a great provider, and I can continue watching my favorite daytime talk shows.

OPEN WIDE

A dental patient in Hamburg, Germany recently was trying to be calm as he underwent oral surgery. Unfortunately, the dentist was a real bumbler and ended up ripping the poor man’s gums and cheeks to shreds The fed up and bleeding patient could take it no more, leapt out of the dentist’s chair and turned the drill on the dentist’s own teeth. The patient has been arrested for assault, but defended his actions by saying, “I had to give him a bit of his own medicine.” ***JUSTIN: This reminds me of the time I got fed up with my doctor’s behavior and gave him a dose of his own medicine. I made him sit in his waiting room for two hours with a bunch of ten year old magazines.

LET’S SAY I BREAK INTO YOUR HOUSE

Recently large demonstrations have taken place across the country protesting the fact that Congress is finally addressing the issue of illegal immigration. Certain people are angry that the US might protect its own borders, might make it harder to sneak into this country and, once here, make it harder to stay indefinitely.

Let me see if I correctly understand the thinking behind these protests. Let’s say I break into your house. Let’s say that when you discover me in your house, you insist that I leave. But I say, “I’ve made all the beds and washed the dishes and did the laundry and swept the floors. I’ve done all the things you don’t like to do. I’m hard-working and honest (except for when I broke into your house).
According to the protesters, you are required to let me stay in your house, you are required to add me to your family’s insurance plan, you are required to educate my kids, you are required to provide benefits to me & to my family. (I’ll do all of your yard work because I’m hard-working and honest… except for that breaking in part.)
If you try to call the police or force me out, I will call my friends, who will picket your house, carrying signs that proclaim my RIGHT to be there. It’s only fair, after all, because you have a nicer house than I do, and I’m just trying to better myself. I’m a hard-working and honest person, except for well, you know, I did break into your house. And what a deal it is for me! I live in your house, contributing only a fraction of the cost of my keep, and there is nothing you can do about it without being accused of cold, uncaring, selfish, prejudiced, and bigoted behavior. Oh yeah, and I DEMAND that you learn MY LANGUAGE so that you can communicate with me.

Why can’t people see how ridiculous this is?! Only in America!

If you agree, pass it on (in English). Share it if you see the value of it. If not, blow it off… along with your future Social Security funds, and a lot of other things.

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT…

“DIAPER spelled backward is REPAID - Think about it…”

WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet, in email (including stuff you receive from Justin Kaiser) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Justin Kaiser or WGFA, regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there… nyah!

Justin Kaiser credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions.

HERE’s SOME OF THE TOP NEWS STORIES ON WGFA and ACROSS ILLIANA FOR THIS MONDAY, JUNE 25th > A weekend accident claims a teen’s life in Strawn….. 2 kids killed in a Vermilion County crash…… An Oswego father could face the death penalty…… Piper City fight leads to arrests Sunday……. Cubs complete sweep of White Sox…….

THICK FOG THIS MORNING LIMITING VISIBI8LITY. PARTLY CLOUDY OTHERWISE, HIGH NEAR 86.

• Weekend rain produced up to 2.55 inches at WGFA. More than 3.5 was recorded west of Clifton in Iroquois County. Champaign recorded 2.6 and up to 3.65 at Decatur.
• Counselors are available at Prarie Central High School in Fairbury today following the weekend death of a 15-yr-old student. Brandon Tjarks of Strawn was a pedestrian involved in a single-vehicle accident Friday night. It happened at about 9:45 pm at Livingston County roads 300-N and 2800-E. No further info about the driver of the vehicle has been released.
• A car crash Friday night in Vermilion County left two children dead. Two-year-old genevieve Heer of Ogden and her one-year-old brother, Hunter, died at Carle Hospital in Urbana. The accident happened north of Fithian. The driver of the car–the kids’ father–was treated and released.
• Authorities charged an Oswego man in the shooting deaths of his wife and three children. 32-yr-old Christopher Vaughn is charged with eight counts of first-degree murder. He was arrested Saturday just before a funeral foir his family was to be held in Missouri.
• A fight in Piper City Sunday night led to the arrests of two Piper City residents. Walter Sokolowski and John Harrell are charged with disorderly conduct. Sokolowski could face additional charges for threatening emergency responders.
• A Pontiac man has been acquitted of rape charges. A Livingston County jury Matt Gourley innocent of 2-counts of aggravated criminal sexual assault and criminal sexual assault.
• More news on WGFA NEWS LINKS —-

“Your Illiana News Source” —- 94.1 FM, WGFA

Here’s what you’ll here today on WGFA…

(more…)

Listen to the Breakfast Club daily during the 9am hour to win a pair of WGFA T-Shirts and for Justin and Kristin’s thoughts as to who dun it, where and with what. You could be the $1000 Grand Prize winner.

Keep listening for your chance to win. We’ll pick 1 winner out of all correct submissions. Complete general contest rules are located here.

Clues this week are available at…

• Designer Homes and Developments in Watseka
• The Longbranch in L’Erable
• Quality Grocery in Watseka
• And the secret sponsor has been revealed…  The Clothes Basket in Watseka

I feel so vibrant and creative I may just stop by the yogurt shop on the way home and go crazy with the sprinkles.

TODAY IS FRIDAY – JUNE 22, 2007… WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS! ONLY 185 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS!

• Today is NATIONAL LISTEN TO A CHILD DAY. ***JUSTIN: Which reminds me, Jeremiah’s show begins at 7pm.
• Today is MIRTHDAY, a day to celebrate your own uniqueness, sense of humor, and outlook on life .
• Today is STUPID GUY THING DAY, a day for women to make a list of stupid guy things and pass it on.
• Today is SOAP MICROPHONE DAY, a day to shower while singing into the soap. ***JUSTIN: Most certainly a stupid guy thing – I used to do it all the time. The only reason I don’t anymore is that we use liquid soap… so now I sing into my back brush.

STUPID GUY THINGS ……

• TiVo-ing “World’s Wildest Police Videos”
• Throwing every article of clothing into the same load of laundry
• Refusing to buy new socks or underwear
• Constantly repeating lines from our favorite movies in everyday conversation
• Thinking you’re really good at poker… then losing 200 bucks
• Forgetting your anniversary and/or your wife’s birthday
• Teaching your kid to burp the alphabet
• Wearing everything you eat
• Leaving the toilet seat up
• Turning shirts inside out so they can be worn again
• Thinking all greens or blues match each other in picking out clothes

CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS

• Actress (“Judging Amy”, “NYPD Blue”, Daybreak, HEAT) Amy Brenneman, 43
• Actress (Alex’s girlfriend in “Family Ties” – she later married Michael J. Fox in real life) Tracy Pollan, 47
• Actor (Snow Dogs, Dances With Wolves, Maverick) Graham Greene, 55
• Actress (“The Bionic Woman”) Lindsay Wagner, 58
• Actor (“Laverne & Shirley’s” Squiggy) David L. Lander, 60
• Actress (Death Becomes Her, Oscars for Sophie’s Choice and Kramer vs. Kramer) Meryl Streep, 62
• Actor/singer/songwriter (The Blade movies, Where The Red Fern Grows, Planet of the Apes) Kris Kristofferson, 71

NEWS KICKERS…

Because of a deep recession in the country, Argentina has recently launched a new television game show called Human Resources where, as prizes, the show is giving out jobs! ***JUSTIN: A special celebrity version is scheduled next week for Rosie O’Donnell.

Italian researchers say coffee appears to protect against an eyelid spasm that can lead to a type of blindness. ***JUSTIN: Just so long as you don’t apply the coffee directly to the eyeball.

Scientists in Japan have developed an umbrella that has Internet access and lets you go on line while you walk. ***JUSTIN: Wouldn’t a surfboard be more appropriate?

Paris Hilton is scheduled to be released from prison on Monday, after serving 23 days of her 45-day sentence. Meanwhile, Paris Hilton’s neighbors are demanding that she move because of all the unwanted attention that she is bringing to the neighborhood. ***JUSTIN: Yet attention from the press as you complain about your neighbor is apparently okay.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck says she doesn’t think that she and Rosie O’Donnell are friends right now. ***JUSTIN: I thought Elisabeth was supposed to be the smart one on the show. She THINKS she’s not friends with Rosie?

With new research, it’s been found that in the average lifetime 2 weeks are spent kissing and a whopping 9 years are spent watching TV. ***JUSTIN: Which is essentially time spent watching people kissing.

According to a new study, 50% of people have at least 50% of their hair turn gray by age 50. ***JUSTIN: The other 50% are parents who had to dye their hair beginning at the age of 26.

A judge in Austria ruled that a senior citizen is banned from taking a shower after 10pm because the noise he made was keeping his 78-year-old neighbor awake. ***JUSTIN: Maybe he should try soft water.

AND NOW ANOTHER USELESS FACT…

An Oxford study found that if you use a lot of flowery language to describe the taste or smell of something, people actually think it tastes and smells better. ***JUSTIN: This explains how the French convinced everyone that the world’s greatest foods are snails, goose liver and fish eggs.

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY…

Three old men were sitting around, playing cards, and talking about ways to stay fit. The oldest guy boasted that, at 70, he had the body of a 30-year-old, thanks to a strict daily regimen he had followed for the past three decades.

“Yessir,” said the old guy. “Up at five a.m. sharp every morning, right into the shower, then a quick, healthy breakfast — and plain food at that; nothing fancy. Then I work hard all morning, exercise for a full hour, have a simple lunch, then go back to work. After dinner, I take a long walk — just up and down my own hallway, really, since I can’t go out at night anymore, but I do walk, for nearly two hours steady, every evening. Then I go to bed nice and early, at exactly 9:00 — no ifs, ands, or buts. “And, most importantly,” finished the old guy, “I don’t drink, do drugs, or run around with women. And here I am, living proof of what a strict daily routine can do for you.”

“Uh, Mike,” said one of his buddies. “We’ve all been following that same ’strict daily routine’ too… ever since the day we were all remanded to Leavenworth Prison.”

THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER…

A tip for would-be drug kingpins…

…you may want to consider a different profession if your father is the local sheriff. Bobby Hopper, the sheriff in Fulton County, Kentucky, recently arrested Robert Hopper Jr. after allegedly finding him making methamphetamine. If the names sound similar, you’re right. They are father and son and it was Junior’s second arrest by his father on meth-related charges in a month. I’m sure it was a very pleasant Father’s Day for this family.

28-year-old Albert Hoffmueller had the tables turned on him when he tried to rob a taxi driver in Germany. The cabbie reversed roles and in fact held up Albert, taking his wallet instead. Amazingly Albert called the police who then found the cab and driver at the dispatch headquarters. The driver still had Albert’s wallet but then explained the situation to police and said he only kept it for the purposes of identifying the crook. Al’s wallet was returned to him and no charges will be pressed against the driver.

STRANGE LAW: If your summer travels take you through Delcambre, Louisiana, don’t even think about wearing baggy pants that fall so low below the waist that your underwear is exposed. Why? You’ll be arrested. The penalty is up to six months in jail or a $500 fine.

JUSTIN’S MOMENT OF DUH…

How fast can you run? One man tried to run 100mph…

A Paw Paw, Michigan man became lost in the Calhoun County countryside – and his car became stuck in the mud of a field driveway. The man, whose name is unknown and shall be heretofore referred to as the inDUHvidual, tried to push his car out of the mud but realized he couldn’t be in two places at once. So he weighted the accelerator down with a metal tool box and then proceeded to push on the back of his rear-wheel-drive car. Well, the plan worked, for the car took off and eventually reached a speed exceeding 100 miles per hour across a muddy cut bean field. And here’s where our inDUHvidual committed a second Moment of Duh… he gave chase. The car became airborne at a couple of places, so we can only imagine the guy trying to run 100 miles an hour and attain enough speed to take off. The car eventually came to a stop by running into a tree.

MOVIE CRITIC, MARIE ASNER WITH “THE TICKET”…

The family ratings system for The Breakfast Club Bull Sheet are from Zero (no family value) to 5 (excellent) - for films, ratings include actors, director, plot, language, sexual content, violence, etc. Get more from Marie Asner at PhantomTollBooth.org!

OPENS JUNE 22…

EVAN ALMIGHTY - Steve Carell takes over from Jim Carrey in this tale of a man God (Morgan Freeman) has picked to be a modern-age Noah and build an ark. Carrell is a new congressman and trying to keep in the good graces of politician John Goodman. God pops up everywhere and soon Steve decides to go with the flow (pardon the pun) and build an ark. His family reluctantly complies. All this is done in a sub-division close to Washington, D.C. My complaint is that there are too many animal excrement “jokes” in the film. The movie seems padded, as though when the writers couldn’t think of anything else, they brought in an animal. Humorous scenes including building the ark with old-fashioned tools and Evan’s rapidly growing hair. Wanda Sykes as Evan’s secretary gets all the good lines. Special effects are OK. “Evan Almighty” is rated PG for crude humor. Family Friendly rating of 2 for fans of Morgan Freeman and/or Steve Carell.

A MIGHTY HEART - Journalist Daniel Pearl was murdered in Pakistan several years ago. It is dangerous being a reporter on foreign soil during terrorist times. Pearl’s widow, Marianne, wrote a book, “A Mighty Heart” about her life with Daniel and this film is based on the book. Angelina Jolie stars as Marianne, who is five months pregnant when Daniel was kidnapped. He went to meet someone and never returned. As the film progresses, almost in documentary-style, we sit through meetings on what to do and see the intrigue and diplomacy involved outside the U.S. Jolie is quite good as Marianne. Pearl’s death is not shown in this film. You get a sense of life in Pakistan with crowded streets, open air markets and poverty. “A Mighty Heart” is rated R for violence and language. Family Friendly rating of zero, but journalists and Angelina Jolie fans may be interested. Read Marie Asner’s full review at www.PhantomTollbooth.org.

1408 - No, this isn’t a historical film, the number “1408” is a haunted hotel room. There is probably more than one around the country. It’s adapted from a Stephen King story. John Cusack stars as a man who decides to spend the night in this room to debunk the haunting. Well, you know what happens next. Cusack had a family member who died and he is interested in supernatural happenings. Shades of “The Shining.” Samuel L. Jackson is also in the cast. “1408” is rated PG 13 for violence and scary scenes. Family Friendly rating of zero.

OPENS JUNE 29…

RATATOUILLE is an animated film about a gray rat who thinks he is a chef. I can’t get my mind around the idea of any rat in the kitchen.

LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD brings Bruce Willis back as John McClane who can take on any terrorist, but this time he has to help his daughter.

OTHER STUFF…

QUIZ: Which super hero are you? = http://www.thesuperheroquiz.com/ (I turned out to be Spider Man). Which super villain are you? = http://www.thesuperheroquiz.com/villain/ (I turned out to be the Joker)

VIDEO: I miss White Heart. = http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O7OGieXHM5g

QUIZ: Want to feel like a complete moron? Try this Spelling Bee. = http://html.wgal.com/sh/idi/entertainment/spellingbee/index.html

PICS: Hybrid animals = http://www.hemmy.net/2006/06/19/top-10-hybrid-animals/

WEBSITE: Great idea for a website. = http://www.arkalmighty.com/

LET THERE BE LIGHTBULB JOKES… How many _______ does it take to change a light bulb?”

• CHARISMATIC: Only one. Their hands are already in the air.
• PENTECOSTAL: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to bind against spirit of darkness.
• PRESBYTERIANS: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
• ROMAN CATHOLIC: None. Candles only.
• BAPTISTS: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.
• EPISCOPALIANS: Two. One to call the electrician and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
• METHODISTS: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
• NAZARENE: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
• LUTHERANS: None. Lutherans don’t believe in change.
• UNITARIANS: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including: incandescent, fluorescent three way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
• AMISH: What’s a light bulb?
• JEHOVAH’S WITNESSES: It doesn’t matter, you’re not going to let them in your house anyway.

HOW TO SURVIVE BEING LOST

Should you end up being lost in the wilderness this summer, here are a few pieces of advice on how to survive.

• Stay put as soon as you realize you’re lost. Rescue crews will find you faster if you stay in one spot. If you have no idea where you are or how to get back to where you started, further movement is just wasted energy.
• Make yourself visible. Move to a clear area and do whatever you can to make a signal. Flags or markers can be made from food wrappers, clothing or anything that is colorful. If you’re in the snow, stomp out a large X. In the desert, form an X with rocks.
• Stay dry. Avoid crossing streams unless absolutely necessary. If you get warm, take off excess clothing before you become sweaty. Build a fire and dry wet clothes if possible. Getting wet can quickly lead to hypothermia, the inability of your body to warm itself. Don’t wear cotton clothes in cold weather. Cotton retains water, providing little or no insulation when wet.
• Stay hydrated. It’s harder for your body to maintain the proper temperature if you’re low on fluids. This is also very important if you’re injured and have lost some blood: You need liquids in order to maintain normal blood pressure.
• Make a shelter. Where it’s hot, find shade. Where it’s cold, create warmth. Tree branches, snow, sheets of plastic or cloth — almost anything can be fashioned into a basic shelter.
• Treat any injuries. Dislocations, such as to a shoulder, should be replaced at the earliest opportunity. This will be extremely painful but will reduce overall trauma. Severe bleeding to an arm or a leg can be reduced with a tourniquet, a tight wrap of cloth around the limb above the wound. Study basic first aid before embarking on any potentially hazardous adventures.
• Carry extra food. Energy bars and candy bars are easy to stash in pockets and provide many needed calories.
• Avoid the most common cause of delayed rescue: forgetting to tell anyone where you’re going. Always leave a detailed description of your trip route and schedule with a responsible person. Direct that person to call the authorities if you don’t return by a specific time or date.
• Carry fire-starting equipment such as a cigarette lighter and toilet paper. In wet weather, your best bet for finding dry wood is to look for small dead branches at the base of evergreen trees
  You need to consume more calories in a cold climate than you do in a warm one.

SIGNS YOU’VE BEEN WATCHING TOO MUCH TELEVISION

• At the end of dinner each night, you vote someone out of the family.
• You’ve written words to the CNN theme song.
• At the end of today, you like to think about scenes from tomorrow’s episode.
• When your mother-in-law calls, you look for a fast-forward button.

TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!

We just squeaked by… but recently it almost become illegal for us to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches!

Smucker’s jams and jellies just tried to patent the peanut butter and jelly sandwich! They got turned down of course, even after they went to a federal appeals court for an in-depth hearing. They wanted a patent for their frozen Uncrustables sandwiches which are really nothing more than your standard PB&J but claimed they were legally unique because the edges of the bread are pinched together to hold the peanut butter and jelly in. Fortunately for the rest of us, The U.S. Patent Office apparently realized that lots of mothers routinely make PB&J sandwiches in a similar manner.

AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT…

So long for now and remember the Amalo! The Alohma … the Omala? You know, that place in Texas we always remember.

WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet, in email (including stuff you receive from Justin Kaiser) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Justin Kaiser or WGFA, regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there… nyah!

Justin Kaiser credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions.

I was watching an interesting special on the Discovery Channel last night. We’ve all heard that people for centuries thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. But that got me to thinking – couldn’t both views be correct? After all, that’s what happens to cheese when you leave it laying out.

TODAY IS THURSDAY – JUNE 21, 2007… WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS! ONLY 186 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS!

• Today is the first day of SUMMER – it begins at 1:06pm Central Time.
• Today is STOCK UP ON ANTIPERSPIRANT DAY. ***JUSTIN: After all, it IS the first day of Summer – you’re going to need it!
• Today is NATIONAL AIMLESS WANDERING DAY. ***JUSTIN: Also known as “WGFA’s Breakfast Club.”
• Today is CUCKOO WARNING DAY. ***JUSTIN: Much like Groundhog Day, but with a twist. It will be a wet summer if the cuckoo is heard today.
• Today is BABY BOOMER RECOGNITION DAY. ***JUSTIN: And here’s a quick test. The more of these you remember, the more likely it is that you’re a Baby Boomer…

DO YOU REMEMBER…

• “Cruising” on a Friday night, listening to the Top 40 on your AM radio?
• How much popcorn you made when you got that first microwave?
• When there were only 3 TV channels — and it was so hard to choose what to watch!
• Where you were when JFK was shot? (or RLK or MLK?)
• When the “Domino Theory” meant something other than planning to have pizza for dinner?
• Who shot J.R.?
• How scary it was to open that first Apple II to add a card to increase the RAM from 16K all the way up to 64K?
• When your teenage son or daughter first told you about the Internet?
• When the Beatles sang “I Want To Hold Your Hand” to Ed Sullivan?
• How “neat” it was to hear the Beach Boys actually sing surfing music at the beach, on your transistor radio?
• When you bought your first car that actually had seatbelts installed?
• When you said that you’d never trust anyone over 30?
• What a TV test pattern looked like, when the channel went off the air at midnight?
• When we gave up trying to win “hearts and minds” and settled for “peace with honor?”
• When the price of gas jumped up to 50 cents per gallon?
• Watching the first man walk on the moon with “one small step…?”

CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS

• Actress (Cape Fear, Starsky & Hutch movie) Juliette Lewis, 34
• Actor (“Melrose Place”, “Desperate Housewives”) Doug Savant, 43
• actress (“Family Ties”) Meredith Baxter ==AND== actor (“Family Ties”) Michael Gross 60
• actress (Sister Mary Daniel on “One Life To Live”, Attorney Lorna Scarry on “Law & Order: SVU”) Mariette Hartley 67
• Actor (“The Love Boat’s” Dr. Adam Bricker) Bernie Kopell, 74
• actress (Gentlemen Prefer Blonds and the sequel Gentlemen Marry Brunettes, Calamity Jane in The Paleface) Jane Russell 86

NEWS KICKERS…

A Chicago family’s baby monitor is picking up black-and-white video from inside the space shuttle Atlantis. ***JUSTIN Houston, we have a poopy diaper.

MySpace Tuesday launched the Minisode Network, an online destination at www.myspace.com/minisodenetwork that features repurposed segments from television shows from the Sony Pictures Television library. Each featured minisode will be 3-5 minutes in length, with current featured segments from 15 classic series including “The Partridge Family,” “Starsky & Hutch,” “T.J. Hooker” and “Charlie’s Angels.” More than 500 minisodes will be available by the end of the year. ***JUSTIN: Perfect for those who are looking to waste what little time they do have.

If you get a tattoo, be prepared for this little known side effect: The skin in that area will become less sensitive to touch reports New Scientist. A small study suggests that the tattooing process may disrupt the nerve signals to the skin. ***JUSTIN: So as touching as it may be to have “MOM” tattooed on your arm – it actually makes you less-feeling.

A two-year-old boy dining at a California Applebee’s was mistakenly served a margarita in his sippy cup. ***JUSTIN: The parents knew something was wrong when their child suddenly did absolutely nothing to embarrass them.

The University of Rochester reports that children who eat candy cigarettes are more likely as adults to smoke real cigarettes. ***JUSTIN: Or smoke Pixy Stix.

A Seattle judge ordered a man to pay a record $45,000 damages after his dog killed a neighbor’s cat, a total of $15,000 for emotional distress and $30,000 for the value of the cat. ***JUSTIN: My question… where is this judge buying her cats?

The Afghan national airline — down to one serviceable plane — resumed regular service to Pakistan recently after a break of nearly 23 years. ***JUSTIN: Daaaang. And you thought you had to wait a long time to get YOUR luggage!

A Swedish woman swallowed a toothbrush after trying to scratch an itch in the back of her throat. Doctors found it lodged above the entrance to her stomach. They managed to remove the toothbrush and send her and her toothbrush home. ***JUSTIN: She was trying to get where the bad breath stars!

THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY…

There was a farmer who had many pigs. One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer: “What do you use to feed your pigs?”

“Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?”

“Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don’t feed them like you should, they shouldn’t eat wastes.” Then he fined the farmer.

Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. The farmer answered: “Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak… why?”

“Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it’s unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat.” And he fined the farmer.

Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question. The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes: “Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they want.”

JUSTIN’S MOMENT OF DUH…

A Moment of Duh from a listener!

Hello, Justin. I can’t use my name, because my wife would kill me, but I still can’t help but share this story with you. My wife called me this morning when she was driving to work. She was really frustrated and said she couldn’t find her cell phone anywhere. I asked her, “aren’t you talking on it?”

She didn’t say anything for about twenty seconds and then told me, “You are NOT going to tell anybody about this!”

Well, nobody except Justin and Kristin at WGFAL, I said. She made me promise not to use my name or hers. Hope you like this real-life Moment of Duh. We listen to your show every morning, it starts the day for us!

–Anonymous

OTHER STUFF…

QUIZ: Common Cents = http://www.exploratorium.edu/exhibits/common_cents/index.html

WEBSITE: Need an excuse? = http://www.excuselist.com/

WEBSITE: Hot Air w/ Michelle Malkin = http://www.hotair.com

PIC: New Batman suit revealed = http://wwwcomingsoon.net/news/movienews.php?id=21042

WEBSITE: Top 100 Movies of All Time? = http://connect.afi.com/site/PageServer?pagename=micro_100landing

TWO-FACED KITTEN: A kitten was born in Glide, Oregon, with two faces — that’s two mouths, two tongues, two noses and four eyes. Her owner, Lee Bluetear, named the little kitten Gemini and said he doesn’t know if she will live or die. Veterinarian Alan Ross said he can’t estimate the kitten’s life span and at first gave her no more than a 10 percent chance of survival. However, Gemini is much stronger and drinking more milk than in its first few days. The vet said that if the kitten does survive, it might need surgery to remove the extra tissue between its two mouths. (http://anoddlittleplace.typepad.com/.shared/image.html?/photos/uncategorized/0_21_061705_two_faced_cat.jpg)

TOP U.S. AMUSEMENT PARKS TO VISIT THIS SUMMER

• Astroland Amusement Park (Brooklyn, NY) - Featuring the world famous Cyclone.
• Busch Gardens (Tampa Bay, FL) - Besides rides, there’s the Edge of Africa safari experience.
• Cedar Point Amusement Park (Sandusky, OH) - 68 rides, 16 rollercoasters!
• Disneyland (Anaheim, CA) - Main Street, USA; Pirates of the Caribbean, etc.
• Kennywood Park (West Mifflin, PA) - Old fashioned park, but with five major coasters.
• Knott’s Camp Snoopy (Bloomington, MN) - Largest indoor theme park inside the Mall of America.
• Magic Kingdom (Lake Buena Vista, FL) - Adventureland, Frontierland, Fantasyland and more.
• Paramount’s Carowinds (Charlotte, NC) - Featuring the tallest body slide on the East Coast.
• Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk (Santa Cruz, CA) - Old school boardwalk with carousel, rides, Whack-a-Mole, Skee Ball.
• Six Flags Astroworld (Houston, TX) - With the Serial Thriller, a suspended, looping coaster and Looney Tunes Town.

HOW MUCH BEER IS THAT AGAIN?

You know how some people, after they use something, just can’t bear to throw it away. That might make sense if it’s magazines or clothes. But what if it’s empty beer cans? In astounding numbers? When property manager Ryan Froerer checked on an Ogden, Utah, townhouse, he knew something was up. Ryan couldn’t even open the front door. It was blocked from inside. From 70,000 beer cans. The water and heat were shut off, apparently on purpose by the tenant, who evidently drank Coors Light beer exclusively for the eight years he lived there. To all outward appearances, the person who lived in the townhouse was the perfect tenant. He always paid on time and he never complained. He kept a low profile in the neighborhood. The cans were recycled for 800 dollars. And by the way, to burn through 70,000 beers in 8 years you’d have to drink 24 beers a day.

HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR HEALTH IN JUST 5 MINUTES…

(National Examiner) Got five minutes to spare? Use the time to improve your health by practicing one of these 10 top tips:

• CORRECT POSTURE — Sitting at your desk, adjust the height of your chair so that your forearms are parallel to the floor when using a keyboard. Your thighs should be at right angles to your body.
• TEA TIME — Two cups of tea a day can halve the risk of heart disease and prevent strokes. The phytochemicals in tea contain antioxidants that knock out free radicals that can lead to cancer.
• BRUSH RIGHT — To fend off gum disease, brush and floss twice a day. Use short horizontal strokes, and follow up with mouthwash to make sure you get all the plaque.
• JUICE IT — A glass of orange juice is the easiest way to get one of the five recommended daily servings of fruits and veggies and it’s packed with vitamin C.
• DEEP BREATHS — Shallow breathing can lead to increased risk of infection in the lower lungs and high blood pressure. Deep breathing increases oxygen in the blood, calms nerves and lowers the heart rate.
• RENT A COMEDY — Having a good laugh can improve overall health and boost levels of immunoglobulin, an antibody that helps fight infections. It can also lower blood pressure.
• TREAT YOUR FEET — Wash your feet every day, and dry thoroughly, especially between the toes. Apply a moisturizing cream but not between the toes, because moisture leads to athlete’s foot.
• STRETCH — If you don’t stretch a muscle after a workout, it won’t be able to refuel with the right nutrients, and the muscle fibers won’t fall back into place.
• PHONE A FRIEND — Getting in touch with friends and family is an effective way of beating depression and can help you recover from illness sooner.
• PET YOUR PET — Stroking your kitty or pooch lowers your heat rate and blood pressure, and can improve your chances of survival after a serious illness of surgery.

OOPS…

The problem with the death penalty: what if you kill an innocent guy?

Looks like Texas may have done it. Independent arson experts have reported that the 2004 Texas execution of Tyrone Willingham was based on evidence that has now been scientifically disproved– and which had probably been repudiated earlier in 2004, when another Texas arson convict had had his death sentence overturned. The fire marshals whose testimony cinched Willingham’s sentence relied on out-of-date, discredited tests, leaving no reliable evidence for the jury that the fire that killed Willingham’s three kids was deliberately set. And according to a report, commissioned by the Innocence Project, no formal training is required of Texas fire marshals. The only “training” they get is training on the job.

THOU SHALT DRIVE RESPONSIBLY

The Vatican has issued the “Ten Commandments” for motorists to keep them on the road to salvation, warning drivers against the sins of road rage, abuse of alcohol and simple rudeness. Here’s the list…

• You shall not kill.
• The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm.
• Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events.
• Be charitable and help your neighbor in need, especially victims of accidents.
• Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin.
• Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so.
• Support the families of accident victims.
• Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness.
• On the road, protect the more vulnerable party.
• Feel responsible toward others.

WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet, in email (including stuff you receive from Justin Kaiser) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Justin Kaiser or WGFA, regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there… nyah!

Justin Kaiser credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions.

HERE’S SOME OF THE TOP NEWS STORIES TODAY—Friday, June 22nd—on WGFA > A DOUGLAS COUNTY HOSTAGE SITUATION IS OVER, NO INJURY….. HEAVY RAIN MOVES ACROSS CENTRAL ILLINOIS….. CAR-TRAIN ACCIDENT IN K3 COUNTY…… LAWMAKERS AGREE TO EMERGENCY BUDGET…… FUN DAYS AT MILFORD…….

SHOWERS AND T-STORMS ARE STILL POSSIBLE THROUGH MID-DAY TODAY. HIGH NEAR 80. THERE’S A 50% CHANCE OF SHOWERS AND T-STORMS TONIGHT and SATURDAY TOO.

• Some heavy rainfall, but no damage of any kind from a band to severe t-storms rolling acress central Illinois late last night and this morning. WGFA and surrounding towns reported six to seven-tenths of of an inch of rain. Lightning and some 50-60 mph winds were reported. Several minor power interruptions were reported.
• Two men are in custody and hostages are OK following the shooting of a sheriff’s deputy, a robbery, a high-speed car chase and a stand-off at a bank in Arcola. Thursday’s ordeal came to a close about 6;35 pm after a seven-hour standoff with a man who initially took five people hostage at a bank. All but one of the hostages was let go. The unidentified man finally surrendered about 6:35 pm. The sheriff’s deputy was shot in the face and torso. He’s in critical condition.
• Jack Draper of Kankakee was serioulsy injured when he drove his car into a train Thursday in Limestone Township. Kankakee County sheriff’s police tickered Draper. The train was moving across a rural roadway when the mishap occurred.
• “Hometown Heroes” is this year’s theme for Milford Fun Days. The event, running thru Saturday, began Thursday evening with a Softball Tournament. A parade is set for 10:30 Saturday morning.
• It looks like government won’t be shutting down early next month. Governor Rod Blagojevich and the four legislative leaders say they’ve agree to hammmer out a 30-day emergency budget to keep government running into August. The state faced a July 9th deadline to pass a spending plan or shut the government down.
• The Cubs and Sox renew their cross-town rivaly this weekend at the U-S Cell. Earlier at Wrigley Field, the Cubs took two of three games.
• More news on WGFA NEWS LINKS —

94.1 FM, WGFA —- SINCE 1961

HERE’S SOME OF THE TOP NEWS STORIES TODAY—Friday, June 22nd—on WGFA > A DOUGLAS COUNTY HOSTAGE SITUATION IS OVER, NO INJURY….. HEAVY RAIN MOVES ACROSS CENTRAL ILLINOIS….. CAR-TRAIN ACCIDENT IN K3 COUNTY…… LAWMAKERS AGREE TO EMERGENCY BUDGET…… FUN DAYS AT MILFORD…….

SHOWERS AND T-STORMS ARE STILL POSSIBLE THROUGH MID-DAY TODAY. HIGH NEAR 80. THERE’S A 50% CANCE OF SHOWERS AND T-STORMS TONIGHT and SATURDAY TOO.

• Some heavy rainfall, but no damage of any kind from a band to severe t-storms rolling acress central Illinois late last night and this morning. WGFA and surrounding towns reported six to seven-tenths of of an inch of rain. Lightning and some 50-60 mph winds were reported. Several minor power interruptions were reported.
• Two men are in custody and hostages are OK following the shooting of a sheriff’s deputy, a robbery, a high-speed car chase and a stand-off at a bank in Arcola. Thursday’s ordeal came to a close about 6;35 pm after a seven-hour standoff with a man who initially took five people hostage at a bank. All but one of the hostages was let go. The unidentified man finally surrendered about 6:35 pm. The sheriff’s deputy was shot in the face and torso. He’s in critical condition.
• Jack Draper of Kankakee was serioulsy injured when he drove his car into a train Thursday in Limestone Township. Kankakee County sheriff’s police tickered Draper. The train was moving across a rural roadway when the mishap occurred.
• “Hometown Heroes” is this year’s theme for Milford Fun Days. The event, running thru Saturday, began Thursday evening with a Softball Tournament. A parade is set for 10:30 Saturday morning.
• It looks like government won’t be shutting down early next month. Governor Rod Blagojevich and the four legislative leaders say they’ve agree to hammmer out a 30-day emergency budget to keep government running into August. The state faced a July 9th deadline to pass a spending plan or shut the government down.
• The Cubs and Sox renew their cross-town rivaly this weekend at the U-S Cell. Earlier at Wrigley Field, the Cubs took two of three games.
• More news on WGFA NEWS LINKS —

94.1 FM, WGFA —- SINCE 1961