I washed my earphones, but I forgot to put a Downy sheet in the dryer, and they keep clinging to my ears.
TODAY IS THURSDAY – JUNE 14, 2007… WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS! ONLY 193 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS!
Today is NATIONAL POP GOES THE WEASEL DAY.
Today is FLAG DAY in the U.S. We adopted Old Glory as our national flag on this date on June 14, 1777.
Flag Do’s and Don’ts (from the U.S. code):
- Do fly the flag from sunup to sundown. Do not fly the flag overnight unless it’s in a well-lit area.
- Don’t display Old Glory with its blue field of stars facing down — that’s a signal of extreme distress and you’ll likely get a visit from law enforcement making sure everything is okay.
- Do keep the flag from touching anything below it.
- Don’t raise the flag in rain, sheet, snow, etc.
- Do destroy a seen-better-days banner in a dignified manner, preferably by burning it (but only after cutting the stars section away from the stripes section, that way it is no longer a U.S. flag and can respectfully be burned).
Where do you dispose of flags that need to be retired? In the Rockford area you can drop Old Glory off at the Blackhawk Area Council office on 11th Street… and most City Hall offices throughout the U.S. accept flags for retirement.
CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS
- actress (Son of the Mask, Layla Baileygates in Me, Myself & Irene, and Natalie Teeger on TV’s “Monk”) Traylor Howard 36
- tennis pro Steffi Graf 38
- Actress (“Baywatch,” “Nash Bridges”) Yasmine Bleeth 39
- Businessman/TV personality Donald Trump 61
- Actress (“227,” “The Jeffersons”) Marla Gibbs 76
RADIO PAPARAZZI…
After they told reporters they had gotten married over the weekend… it turns out that Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts did not tie the knot.
I used to love this guy’s show – watched it all the time. Don Herbert, better known as “Mr. Wizard,” has died at age 89.
Hawaii, Illinois and California have the highest gasoline prices in the U.S., according to a new survey by AAA. In Hawaii where drivers pay an average of $3.40 a gallon for regular unleaded. Illinois came in at an average of $3.34, while California drivers pay $3.30. Where is the cheapest gas in the country? South Carolina at an average of $2.88 a gallon.
Jennifer Aniston will produce and potentially star in a period musical about singing prisoners called “Goree Girls.” The story revolves around eight women at Texas’ Goree Prison during the 1940s who formed one of the first all-female country and western acts.
Lindsay Lohan is being sued for over $3000 because of car crash expenses she hasn’t paid since the accident back in October, 2005.
LeAnn Rimes handed the keys to a wheelchair accessible van to a seriously injured Iraq war veteran last week, her treat.
The CW has officially cancelled “Veronica Mars.”
Disneyland opened up the new “Finding Nemo” attraction last weekend (formerly a really lame submarine ride)
Actor Dennis Quaid and his wife, Kimberly, who are expecting twins by a surrogate mother, now know the sex of the babies — a boy and a girl.
How’s it go… the rich get richer? Aaron Spelling’s widow, Candy, was in Vegas over the weekend… and playing on the $100 slot machines. She won a jackpot of $100,000.. and kept winning. She left the night $325,000 richer. But that’s not all. Sunday, she hosted a charity raffle… and ended up owning the winning ticket for a brand-new Toyota Prius.
The names and images of famous New Yorkers including Mickey Mantle, Judy Garland and Malcolm X would be protected from being used for advertising and promotion not authorized by their estates under a measure being pushed by Al Pacino and Yoko Ono.
NEWS KICKERS…
Not wanting to represent a jailbird, the Endeavor talent agency has dropped Paris Hilton. ***JUSTIN: Seeing as they are a TALENT agency, shouldn’t they have never represented her to begin with?
You wanted her to go back to prison – but it’s costing you. It costs $99.64 a day to house a prisoner in Los Angeles County. Paris Hilton costs $1,109.78 a day to keep her locked up due to the medical treatment and staff associated with her needs. If she were at home, it would cost the taxpayers nothing. ***JUSTIN: Still think it’s worth it? Yep, me too.
Fans of the rag doll Raggedy Andy are calling for his induction into the National Toy Hall of Fame. ***JUSTIN: But first, bring Raggedy Andy’s hair stylist up on charges.
According to a University of London survey of over 10,000 people, marriage provides the same amount of happiness that you would get from a $110,000-a-year pay raise. ***JUSTIN: But a pay raise only happens once… while marriage goes on year after year. But now I’m providing for two people… I could really use that pay raise.
Kelly Clarkson has dumped her manager… and in an interview with “Elle” Magazine, she said she’s never been in love, doesn’t want kids or to get married and could care less about being famous. ***JUSTIN: Right, because that’s why everyone wants to be on “American Idol” – so they can keep themselves from being famous.
A $14.4 billion plan for rebuilding New Orleans is being criticized for a proposal to spend $3.5 million to build a giant Hurricane Katrina monument. ***JUSTIN: Isn’t the whole city already a Hurricane Katrina monument?
Here’s a novel way for thrifty brides and grooms to cut wedding costs — rent a fake wedding cake. The idea is to have an elegant, multi-tiered pretend cake for show while serving guests slices from a real but inexpensive sheet cake. ***JUSTIN: We had the best of both worlds at our wedding. A real cake that only tasted fake. I knew it was a bad idea letting my mom make the cake.
AND NOW ANOTHER USELESS FACT…
Sunday is Father’s Day. ***JUSTIN: And fathers everywhere will hear those words they hear every year, “Will you accept the charges?”
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY…
Harry came into the office an hour late for the third time in a week. “What’s the story this time, Harry?” his boss asked sarcastically. “Let’s hear a good excuse for a change.”
Harry sighed, “Everything went wrong this morning, boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the draw bridge got stuck. I swam across the river–see, my suit’s still damp–ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Trump’s helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes.”
“You’ll have to do better than that, Harry,” said the boss, “You really expect me to believe that a woman can get ready in ten minutes?!?!”
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER…
You gotta be smarter than this if you’re going to be an arsonist.
41-year-old Frances Shaw, was charged with arson of her own home in Greensburg, Pennsylvania. Police and firefighters who came to the scene discovered that her most valuable household items, namely her clothes, TV set and microwave oven had already been placed in the yard under a heavy tarp by the time they arrived at her burning home. Kind of gave her away.
Despite managing to steal an expensive new cell phone from a store in New Zealand, one crook wasn’t too smart. Police simply called the thief and told him he had won a prize. All they needed was his name and address so they could send it to him. Yes, he fell for the ruse and his prize turned out to be handcuffs.
They say clothes make the man. In Russia that turned out to be very true after a prisoner swapped clothes with his identical twin brother, who is also his lawyer, and walked out of jail. The jailbreak happened when guards left former policeman Valerii Voblikov, on trial for running a criminal gang, alone in his cell with his lawyer brother. The pair swapped clothes and ID cards before Valerii calmly walked out the front door and got into a waiting car. His brother has now been charged with assisting a jailbreak.
STRANGE LAW: In Quitman, Georgia, it is illegal for a chicken to cross the road.
JUSTIN’S MOMENT OF DUH…
Traditions in the theatre aren’t always a good thing.
School administrators at Glenbard West High in Glen Ellyn, Illinois cancelled the upcoming student play because students chose to hold one rehearsal in their underwear as a way to counteract stage fright. The girls wore togas and the boys wore boxer shorts, claiming the practice was an old theater tradition. One of the students rehearsing for the play commented, “None of us are mad at getting suspended, getting detentions, or anything else. We just feel it was very wrong to cancel our show.” ***JUSTIN: And no… the play was NOT entitled, “The Emperor’s New Clothes.”
JUSTIN’S EMAIL BAG… (Click to send a message!)
SUBJECT LINE: Thank you
Dear Justin and Kristin,
Thank you for saving my marriage. After listening to you, I realized that my husband may be sane after all.
Love your show!
Jamie
MOVIE CRITIC, MARIE ASNER WITH “THE TICKET”…
The family ratings system for The Bull Sheet Sheet are from Zero (no family value) to 5 (excellent) – for films, ratings include actors, director, plot, language, sexual content, violence, etc. Get more from Marie Asner at PhantomTollBooth.org!
OPENS JUNE 15…
FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER – It’s comic book time and the continuation of the series of four power figures played by actors Ioan Gruffudd, Jessica Alba, Chris Evans and Michael Chiklis. Villain is Von Doom (Julian McMahon.) In this story, a new character is introduced, the Silver Surfer, who skims through everything (like Robert Patrick in “Terminator 2”) and hails the advance of a gigantic planet-killing thing. What to do when the Surfer arrives and the Fantastic Four has days to prepare for “it?” Special effects are very good. If you are a surfer, this is your thing. “Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer” is rated PG for violence and language. Family Friendly rating of 1 for comic book fans.
NANCY DREW – Emma Roberts, daughter of actor Eric Roberts and niece of actress Julia Roberts, stars as teen detective Nancy Drew. This character has been in teen books since the 1930’s and is a popular one. I remember reading “Nancy Drew” mysteries as a teen and wishing I had a convertible like Nancy’s, which I think is a Nash Metropolitan in the film. The author of the series is named as Carolyn Keene, but that is a name for ghostwriters of the past from a literary conglomerate. The current film has Nancy and her father (Tate Donovan) living in Los Angeles where Nancy gets interested in an old murder involving Hollywood. Thrills and a touch of “Veronica Mars” here, too. I’m guessing this series will continue on film. The character of Nancy has curiosity galore and in a humorous sequence, her choice of wearing 1960’s clothes becomes a fashion statement. “Nancy Drew” is rated PG for some violence. Family Friendly rating of 2 for children over age twelve.
DOA: DEAD OR ALIVE – not screened for critics. This film is based on a video game and about women in a martial arts contest. Hmm, they couldn’t come up with something better? For girl watchers, the cast includes Jaime Pressly, Holly Valance and Devon Aoki. What can I say? “DOA: Dead or Alive” is rated PG 13 for martial arts violence, sexual theme and some nudity. Family Friendly rating of zero.
OPENS JUNE 22…
EVAN ALMIGHTY stars Steve Carell as a modern-day Noah who has problems getting animals into the Ark.
A MIGHTY HEART has Angelina Jolie as Marianne Pearl, wife of the late Daniel Pearl, who was murdered in Pakistan. Adapted from the book of the same name. Read Marie Asner’s full review at www.PhantomTollbooth.org
1408 is a hotel room number and the film is adapted from a Stephen King short story. Expect thrills.
OTHER STUFF…
VIDEO: Funny D.U.I. = http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U1VmGjJJFrc
VIDEO: Happy Father’s Day, Star Wars fans = http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EFKaLfs68Sk&feature=dir
BUYING GIFTS FOR DAD
Father’s Day is Sunday. Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.
- RULE #1: When in doubt, buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
- RULE #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. “Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?” “Okay. By the way, are you through with my 3/8″ socket yet?” Again, no one knows why.
- RULE #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
- RULE #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes.
- RULE #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money, buy your man a big screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips and flips and flips. Forget the program, your entertainment is watching him have fun!
- RULE #6: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant.
- RULE #7: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. “Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink.” You get the idea Again, no one knows why.
- RULE #8: Never buy a man anything and then tell him he should read the instructions because the box says “some assembly required.” It will ruin his special day. He will always have parts left over.
- RULE #9: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, Lowe’s, John Deere, Valley RV Center and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent men’s stores. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t know what the gift is. “From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn’t this a starter for a ‘68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.”)
- RULE #10: Men enjoy danger. That’s why they never cook (but they will barbecue). Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. “Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?”
- RULE #11: Tickets to a New York Giants game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to “A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts.” Everyone knows why.
- RULE #12: Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don’t know why, please refer to rule number seven – remember what happens when he gets a label maker?
- RULE #13: It’s hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
- RULE #14: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least the Boy Scouts. Nothing says “I love you” like a hundred feet of 3/8″ manila rope. No one knows why.
COMMON FACTUAL ERRORS CITED IN THIS YEAR’S SAT ESSAY EXAMS…
The S.A.T.s are back – and if any of these answers give us a glimpse into the minds of future leaders, we’re in BIIIIG trouble! Here are a few actual answers on recent tests.
- In course of life the typical person eats his own weight in Slim Jims.
- Thomas Jefferson was “that funny black guy who was married to Weezie.”
- Ronald Reagan once sent warships to invade North Dakota.
- The Spanish Armada was defeated by Queen Latifah.
- Dogs were invented in 1963.
- Turning point of World War II was “that part where Tom Hanks finds Matt Damon.”
- Prior to the invention of the airplane, people flew around by flapping their arms
- Neil Armstrong’s first words on the moon were, “Visa — it’s everywhere you want to be!”
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT…
Remember, keep your compost heap moist this time of year. That way, on a windy day, your entire neighborhood can enjoy it.
WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet, in email (including stuff you receive from Justin Kaiser) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Justin Kaiser or WGFA, regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there… nyah!
Justin Kaiser credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions.
