I need some excitement this week. The most exciting thing I did all weekend was buy two bananas–and watch them race to see which one turned brown the fastest.
TODAY IS WEDNESDAY – JUNE 13, 2007… WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS! ONLY 194 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS!
Today is NATIONAL OPEN A WINDOW DAY, to let in the sounds and smells of spring before it’s too late. ***JUSTIN: Be sure to buy your Benedryl first.
Today is NATIONAL LOBSTER DAY. ***JUSTIN: Lobsters are people too, you know – and you can help a lobster today by going to your local grocer or seafood restaurant, buying a live lobster, and then setting it free in the woods.
CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS
- Actresses & billionaires (“Full House”) Ashley and Mary Kate Olsen 21 (Wow – what are the odds they’d both be born on the same day!)
- actress (The Breakfast Club, Betsy’s Wedding, War Games, Short Circuit, St. Elmo’s Fire) Ally Sheedy 45
- Actor (Toy Story’s Buzz Lightyear, “Home Improvement,” The Santa Clause) Tim Allen, 54
- actor (“The Waltons”) Richard Thomas is 56
- actor (Die Hard 3, Star Trek: Generations, My Life So Far) Malcolm McDowell 64
RADIO PAPARAZZI…
The Star claims that producers of “The View” have settled on Whoopi Goldberg as a replacement for Rosie O’Donnell. ***JUSTIN: It wasn’t easy finding another comedian as liberal, outspoken and unfunny as Rosie, but they managed it.
Barbara Walters says Paris Hilton called her from jail and said, among other things, that she will no longer act dumb.
Because of her “special needs,” Paris Hilton costs taxpayers $1109.78 a day – over 11 times as much as the typical female inmate. But then, the typical female inmate doesn’t need a psychiatrist, a publicist, and a dedicated phone line so you can call Barbara Walters.
Paris Hilton’s father is trying to get a hot Las Vegas club to pay over $50,000 to host a party to celebrate her upcoming jail release.
NEWS KICKERS…
A telephone company fired their president after nine months, saying he lacked “intellectual leadership”. He received a $26 million severance package. ***JUSTIN: They gave him $26-million after nine months, and HE’S the incompetent one?!?!?
Wal-Mart is giving seven lucky couples wedding packages worth more than five-thousand dollars, including rings, wedding cakes invitations and flowers and other related items. The nuptials will take place in the lawn and garden sections of the couple’s local Wal-Mart Supercenters. The couples are to tie the knot in ceremonies all on July Seventh. ***JUSTIN: Is marriage really a good idea for you when your best option is to send the bride down aisle thirteen?
At a Dallas school, classmates were surprised when a fellow 6-year-old brought a 4,100-pound elephant to show-and-tell. ***JUSTIN: Not nearly as surprised as the kid’s bus driver was though.
No slacking off or super long tea breaks for government workers in northeastern Malaysia. A senior government official says security cameras have been installed to keep tabs on the workers. Malaysia’s state secretary says officials want to know if workers are “adhering to office etiquette or playing truant.” ***JUSTIN: Isn’t this only necessary if the boss is playing truant? Otherwise he’d already know… right?
According to the American Association of Retired People, brushing your teeth causes up to 4,000 injuries a year. ***JUSTIN: See, Mom? That’s why I never brush!
Three rolls of toilet paper could land a woman in jail for three years. She’s accused of stealing the T-P from an Iowa courthouse, and may face three years in the slammer. And police are having a hard time keeping a straight face talking about the case, because the woman’s last name is Butts — Suzanne Marie Butts. ***JUSTIN: The funniest part is when she answered the question when they asked, “Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.” (I doo.)
AND NOW ANOTHER USELESS FACT…
Sunday is Father’s Day. ***JUSTIN: How do we repay a man who has sweated all his life to put us through college? A card and a cheap tie, of course.
An Australian National University study found that people think more creatively when they’re lying down. ***JUSTIN: Which means that some of the best thinkers in America are guys in La-Z-Boys
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY…
A little boy is walking to school one day and hears some kids talking about the yellow flower. He decides he wants to find out what it is. He gets to school and says to his teacher, “I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. What is it?”
His teacher says, “I will not tolerate that kind of talk in my classroom! Go to the Principal’s office!”
The little boy goes up to the Principal’s office, and the Principal asks him, “What are you doing up here, son?”
The little boy replies, “I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was and she sent me up here. What is it?”
The Principal says, “I will not have that kind of talk in my school! You are expelled from this school and every other school in the state! Get out!”
So the little boy goes home. His mother asks, “What are you doing home so early?”
“I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was, and she sent me to the Principal’s office, and the Principal expelled me from every school in the state. What is the yellow flower?”
His mother says, “Go up to your room! You’re going to bed without dinner. I’ll send your father up to talk to you when he gets home.”
So the little boy goes up to his room, and about 5:00 his dad got home from work. He went up to the boy’s room and said, “Your mom tells me you’ve been a bad boy. What did you do?”
“Well, I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was, and she sent me to the principal’s office, the Principal expelled me from every school in the state, and mom sent me to bed without dinner. What’s the yellow flower?”
His dad says, “Get out of my house son! I don’t ever want to see you again!”
The little boy is walking down the street, and a few hours later and policeman stopped him. He asked him why he was walking by himself so late at night. The little boy says, “Well, I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was, and she sent me to the Principal’s office, the Principal expelled me from every school in the state, mom sent me to bed without dinner, and dad kicked me out of the house. Can you tell me what the yellow flower is?”
The policeman says, “That’s enough of that! You’re going to jail for 99 years!”
99 years later, he comes back an old man, and decides he wants to try to find out what the yellow flower is. So he heads to his old school where it all started. As he was crossing the street, he got hit by a car and he died.
What’s the moral of the story?
Look both ways before crossing the street.
JUSTIN’S MOMENT OF DUH…
Politicians misuse their powers in other countries just as they do in the U.S. And in doing so, the misuse of power could become a Moment of Duh!
Italian senator Gustavo Selva was frustrated with the traffic jams in Rome caused by President Bush’s recent visit. So to beat traffic, and make sure he made it to a TV interview on time, he dialed 118 (Italy’s version of 911) and told the ambulance driver to rush him to his heart specialist. But the address he gave was that of the TV studio. Senator Selva then made the huge mistake of bragging about his clever scheme on live TV. Emergency services were not amused and Health Minister Livia Turco called the senator’s behavior “shameful and irresponsible” and said it would be investigated “to see if this constitutes a crime, either in civil or criminal courts”.
JUSTIN’S EMAIL BAG… (Click to send a message!)
SUBJECT LINE: jUSTIN? oPPS cAP lOCK HATE THAT>>>
OK went to website this am to find out how to get the Breakfast Club newsletter via email.
You don’t look how you sound by the way…
I have dial up so this is quite a commitment so search the web.
I’ve wanted to sign up for the newsletter for quite some time now, but today’s stupid thief joke or whatever reminded me.
Old man old lady story would have been funnier if punch line was “he forgot his teeth and credit card don’t you think?” No one relates to hats anymore, just a thought.
Never have I ever written a “star” a fan letter but your radio thingy mentioned you were insecure. Therefore I’m just helping your self esteem right? Not being an obsessive fan. After all I’m 44+ (size and age) and I don’t normally do this. However when I stumbled onto your radio station it saved me about 1/2 pot of coffee because you guys get me going in the am.
You are hilarious and unfortunately for you, my kind of humor….
I actually have WGFA as my radio alarm clock thingy too and I have to run back to my radio often in the am while getting ready for work to hold the antenna just right to hear the end of a punch line down here in Champaign.
I covered my car in tin foil so I can hear you all the way to work.
My commitment is unwavering. Just don’t get too famous and move away.
Your voice sound familiar.
Sign me up for newsletter.
Just going with the,
OTHER STUFF…
WEBSITE: Blifaloo – a temporary relief from boredom. = http://www.blifaloo.com
WEBSITE: Father’s Day is this Sunday and you can read the history of Father’s Day send greetings, play games and more at Happy Father’s Day from Wilstar. = http://wilstar.com/holidays/fathers.htm
WEBSITE: Celebrities playing table tennis. = http://www.larrytt.com/celebrities_playing_tt/
IT MUST BE TRUE, BECAUSE I HEARD IT ON THE RADIO!
Next time you’re in Columbia, take it easy on the gossiping.
The town of Icononzo has made it illegal to gossip! No kidding! Under the law, malicious gossiping can now be punished with up to a $75,000 fine or four years in prison. A city spokesman said, “People should be aware that using their tongues to speak evil is the same as having dynamite in your mouth.” The town’s mayor, Jesus Ignacio Jimenez defended the new law saying, “What worries me is the amount of people going to prison or being killed because of gossip.”
TOTALLY OUTRAGEOUS!
It’s just been discovered that British government education officials are worried about low scores on the national literacy test for teenagers…
…so what do you suppose is their answer to this fear? Better teachers? Longer school hours? Larger budget for classrooms, perhaps? No. The government officials are worried about low test scores from their students, so they’ve decided to change the rules to make good test scores more easily attainable! First, they’ll give out extra points if a student has experienced pre-exam stress due to selected circumstances… you get an extra 2-percent added to your score if your pet died on exam day (1 percent if your pet died the day before the tests), you get an extra 3 percent added to your test score if you witness a distressing event on exam day – though it isn’t all that clear what exactly constitutes a “distressing event” – and you can even get an additional one percent added to your final standardized test score simply for claiming you had a headache while taking the exam! But that’s not all… another way British education officials are planning on bringing up scores on the standardized tests is to no longer taking off points for misspelling!
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT…
Doctors will tell you that anxiety is hard on your health, and I hate when they say that because it makes me nervous. –James Lileks
Justin Kaiser credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions.
