Today must be pay day. The boss called in sick.
TODAY IS MONDAY – JUNE 11, 2007… WEIRD, WACKY, STRANGE, ZANY, ODD, BIZARRE, QUIRKY, UNUSUAL HOLIDAYS! ONLY 196 SHOPPING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS!
Today is NATIONAL GERMAN CHOCOLATE CAKE DAY. ***JUSTIN: It has nothing to do with Germany, it was invented back in 1852 by a guy named Sam German.
Today is NATIONAL FEED THE DUCKS DAY. (Pigeons don’t count).
Today is RACE UNITY DAY. ***JUSTIN: You can either get together today with someone of a different skin color, or you can challenge a Unitarian to a foot race.
Today is NATIONAL HUG DAY. Some call it Hug Holiday, a day to give hugs to those who need them. Some celebrate it June 29th, others celebrate it today. ***JUSTIN: Still others celebrate it on both June 11th and June 29th because they’re really clingy.
Today is AMERICAN IDOL DAY. The TV show debuted on Fox on this date in 2002. ***JUSTIN: No other show has done so much towards introducing America to really mediocre talent.
CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS
- actor Joshua Jackson 29
- actor Hugh Laurie 48
- quarterback Joe Montana 51
- actress Adrienne Barbeau 62
- actor Gene Wilder is 72
- extra-terrestrial E.T. is 825
RADIO SNAPSHOTS…
Friday afternoon, Judge Michael T. Sauer ordered Paris Hilton back to jail. She reportedly left the courtroom screaming, “It’s not right! Mom!”
The next “Indiana Jones” film will not feature Sean Connery as dad to Harrison Ford’s globe-trotting adventurer Indy. He says he’s retired. Shooting begins June 18 and the movie is due out May 22, 2008.
If you were a fan of “Jericho,” good news: CBS has heard your whining about the show’s cancellation and has ordered 7 more episodes for mid-season next year.
Actors Scott Foley and Marika Dominczyk tied the knot last Tuesday at Hawaii’s Four Seasons Lanai.
Yes, Bob Barker has retired from “The Price is Right”… but he supposedly told CBS that he’d be willing to come back this fall if they haven’t found a suitable host by then.
NEWS KICKERS…
Perhaps you remember the 2006 story of Tony Alleyne of Leicestershire, England. He’s the guy who was having trouble selling his small apartment that he had meticulously remodeled to the exact specifications of the Starship Enterprise from Star Trek fame. However, after getting no buyers, he then redesigned the place as the flight deck of the Starship Voyager and has indeed found a buyer willing to pay $840,000 for the place– roughly five times the value of a comparable apartment in that same neighborhood. ***JUSTIN: You have to wonder if the guy will actually get paid though, because they don’t use money in the Star Trek universe.
A judge that sued a drycleaner for $67 million for losing his pants has lowered the amount. Now he says $54 million would be sufficient. ***JUSTIN: What’s he need pants for? He’s a judge – he wears a robe at the office.
You’ve heard the one about the dog eating the homework. But how about the computer eating the grade? Officials of Pennsylvania’s Hollidaysburg Area School District say a computer crash has led to the permanent loss of fourth-quarter grades for more than three-thousand students. But they’ll still be getting report cards. District officials say some information from the fourth quarter will be combined with the grades from the first three quarters to determine the final grades. ***JUSTIN: That would not have been beneficial at all for me in high school. The average would still be the same if all three school quarters had the same grade of D-minus.
Expect Rosie O’Donnell to show up on NBC somewhere. The network says they want her and they’ll figure something out. ***JUSTIN: That seals it… network executives truly are out of touch with their viewers.
Rambo has been busted. A soldier named Rambo was arrested in Goodland, Kansas, charged with stealing a Humvee while AWOL. But it’s not Sylvester Stallone’s Rambo. The real G-I is Private Wayne Rambo, stationed at Fort Carson, Colorado. And unlike with the Rambo from the “First Blood” movies, this Rambo was arrested without incident. ***JUSTIN: But you could tell he was influenced by the Rambo movies, because he was crying and yelling at the end and you couldn’t understand a thing he said.
A recent study shows that around 9% of the U.S. population — 28 million people — don’t have bank accounts. ***JUSTIN: And most of them work in radio.
A Japanese teen was banned from attending a school dance after being busted for excessive cursing at school. But he knew the dance was a big one and he really wanted to go. So he did. He managed to get in by disguising himself as a girl, complete with a black dress, sandals, nail polish, glasses and a wig. His sister and her girlfriends helped with the disguise. His success was short-lived, however.. he was spotted the second he walked in. ***JUSTIN: At which point he began excessively cursing.
In Cincinnati, Scott Jeter was fed up. His home had been broken into four times in less than a month and the police were getting nowhere. So Scott set up his own in-house security system using a webcam linked to his computer. It worked. He filmed the guy entering the house for the fifth time and then followed him as he called police. Police finally arrested 26-year-old Joseph N. Dier and charged him with five counts of burglarizing Scott’s home. ***JUSTIN: Now that’s “Homeland Security!”
AND NOW ANOTHER USELESS FACT…
An Italian judge ordered a 220-pound teenage thug to lose weight on the theory that his low self-esteem made him a bully. ***JUSTIN: Even if it doesn’t work, at least he won’t have a need to steal other kids’ lunch money.
THE WAY TOO EARLY IN THE MORNING TO UNDERSTAND THE PUNCHLINE EVEN AFTER TWO CUPS OF COFFEE JOKE OF THE DAY…
A cowboy (named Julius?) rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had the habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, He found his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
“Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?!” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
“Alright, I’m gonna have another drink, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!”
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another drink, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say pardner, before you go…what happened in Texas?”
The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”
THE FILES OF LAW & DISORDER…
Dumb criminals? I believe you can find them in the canned goods section.
Two masked robbers walked into the Dillons grocery store in Wichita, Kansas, forced their way into the cashier’s cage and demanded money. Unfortunately, this crime of the century was foiled when the cashier recognized one of the robbers as an employee of the grocery store. He was arrested when he showed up for work later that morning driving the same vehicle witnesses say was used in the robbery.
The 280 residents of Nash, Oklahoma, got the word that their policeman had been stolen. To discourage speeders, a mannequin, dressed like a cop, had sat in an old black Chevy Nova with a white star painted on the doors parked on the highway shoulder outside the town for two years. Then, somebody broke the car window and kidnapped him. No ransom was ever asked.
Police in Halifax, Nova Scotia, are investigating one of the silliest robbery attempts ever! Officers in the Canadian City say a couple of would-be crooks armed with Silly String tried to rob a convenience store. They demanded the shop owner empty the till, then sprayed him in the face with Silly String. But the quick thinking store clerk fought back, as he sprayed them in the face with air freshener! Police say the Silly String bandits fled empty handed.
STRANGE LAW: If you are in the state of Arkansas, you better pronounce that state’s name correctly. It’s actually illegal to mispronounce Arkansas while in the state. Illinois and Missouri could use that law!
JUSTIN’S MOMENT OF DUH…
Be sure to go by and visit your grandma more often. You wouldn’t want her to get bored and end up in a Moment of Duh!
That’s what one 80-year-old granny did in Austria… the got bored… and staged a fake bank robbery! The woman, known only as Elfriede, said out of sheer boredom she went into a bank, armed with a toy pistol and hissed at the cashier, “This is a stick up!” She then started laughing when she saw the cashier’s terrified face. The bank employee said, “My heart stopped for a second. But when she started laughing I realized that it was just a joke.” Granny told the court that she had done it just “for a laugh.” The judge told her there was nothing funny about it, sentenced her to a three year suspended sentence, and warned her he wouldn’t be so lenient if she tried it again during the next three years. Elfriede answered back, “If I live that long. But thanks.”
CYBER SNOOP
Rumors, inspirational stories, virus warnings, humorous tales, please for help, urban legends, prayer requests and calls to action – they all end up in our email’s “in box.” But how many of them are true, and how many of them are lies? How can you tell? We does the investigating for you!
CYBER SNOOP #65: THE CASE OF THE MISSING LICENSE PLATES
Are criminals really stealing license plates so they can pump-and-run at the gas station?
According to www.snopes.com, the answer is—yes. But the problem is apparently not an epidemic.
At least a couple of stories now circulating the internet tell of crooks stealing license plates so that when they fill up at the gas station and leave without paying, the license plate will be traced to an innocent person. The e-mails urge you to keep an eye on your license plates, and report to police immediately if they turn up missing.
Snopes.com tells us that the rapidly escalating gas prices have resulted in more of those pump-and-run thefts…people filling up and then driving off without paying. While gas theft IS on the rise, and there HAVE been incidents involving stolen plates…it’s not a widespread problem. And the problem is limited to those stations who still allow pumping before paying.
When license plates are stolen, Snopes says the usual reasons are not for pump-and-run gas theft…but for putting on stolen cars.
So it’s never a bad idea to keep an eye on your license plates, and do report to police immediately if they turn up missing.
Confirming another internet rumor, this is CyberSnoop…reminding you to check it out BEFORE you hit that send button!
MOVIE CRITIC, MARIE ASNER WITH “THE TICKET”…
The family ratings system for The Bull Sheet are from Zero (no family value) to 5 (excellent) – for films, ratings include actors, director, plot, language, sexual content, violence, etc. Get more from Marie Asner at PhantomTollBooth.org!
OPENED JUNE 8…
OCEAN’S THIRTEEN – Am I the only one who thinks this series is boring? Here is installment three of George Clooney and his gang of thieves who, this time, are robbing places in Europe. Steven Soderbergh is again the director with a cast including Matt Damon, Andy Garcia (my favorite), Bernie Mac, Brad Pitt, Don Cheadle, Carl Reiner and Ellen Barkin as the new female lead. Motive this time is revenge with the gang getting back at a thug who goes against one of their own. “Ocean’s Thirteen” ends up being another film for actors who do this type of film just because they can. Ho hum. “Ocean’s Thirteen” is rated PG 13 for language and sexuality. Family Friendly rating of zero.
HOSTEL PART II – Not screened for critics. As though we need another gruesome, gory film of rich people paying big money to torture young adults. In this case, it is young women. Heather Matarazzo and Lauren German are the stars. “Hostel” is still turning some people’s stomachs, and this film should do the same. As long as fans buy tickets, the series will continue. Lesson to be learned? When traveling abroad, be diligent “Hostel Part II” is rated R for sadistic violence, nudity and language. Family Friendly rating of zero.
SURF’S UP – This is an animated film featuring penguins who surf. Penguins, again, that’s right. Cody Maverick (voice of Shia LeBeouf) is trying to be the top surfer in Antarctic seas. This film is a bare bones story and is lengthened by loud music and South Sea island scenes. It’s a 30-minute travelogue stretched to 90 minutes. Voices you will recognize are James Woods, Jon Heder and Jeff Bridges. Humor is aimed for adults with some crude humor, too. Not exactly for children. Animation is well done and those turquoise waters do look inviting. “Surf’s Up” is rated PG for some violence and crude humor. Family Friendly rating of 1 for kids over age ten. Marie Asner’s full review is at www.PhantomTollbooth.org.
OPENS JUNE 15…
FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER continues the adventures of the Four who now meet a new nemesis.
NANCY DREW has Emma Roberts, daughter of actor Eric Roberts and Julia Roberts niece, as the teenage detective. The film is updated to present-day.
OTHER STUFF…
WEBSITE: Are you a fan of 24? You might enjoy this, despite terrible animation. And is that really Keifer Sutherland’s voice? http://www.dayzero.com/men/dayzero/?&siteid=d0
THINGS YOU’LL NEVER HEAR A DAD SAY
- Father’s Day? Aahh — don’t worry about that — it’s no big deal.
- Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
- You know Pumpkin, now that you’re thirteen, you’ll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won’t that be fun?
- Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car — go crazy.
- I’ve noticed that a lot of your friends wear black and have body piercings; I like that.
- What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
- Your mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party.
- Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies. You know, that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
- No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring — now quit your belly-aching, and let’s go to the mall.
- Well, how ’bout that? I’m lost! Looks like we’ll have to stop and ask for directions.
AND I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT…
One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men. No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man. –Elbert Hubbard
WARNING: Don’t believe anything you read on the Internet, in email (including stuff you receive from Justin Kaiser) unless you can confirm it with another source, and/or it is consistent with what you already know to be true. The opinions in this publication are not necessarily those of Justin Kaiser or WGFA, regardless of how stupid you may think those opinions are. So there… nyah!
Justin Kaiser credits all non-original material to the author whenever possible. All other material is original, used with permission, or author unknown. We welcome all comments, questions, and suggestions.
